Forever In Our Hearts ~Robert's Story~

Falling off the wagon

2011-09-11T16:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know how it happened, but it did. I totally fell off the wagon. I could use the excuse that life got in the way, but really, my friends know I am on-line ALL the TIME!

A lot has happened since my last post. I need to fill you all in.

I will, promise!

Seriously!

Reflextions & Resolutions

2011-01-03T19:50:00.000-08:00

As the new year begins, we often reflect on the year that has just passed. I've never been good at keeping my New Years resolutions, but I am gonna try like I never have before.

So what ARE my resolutions? How much time do you have? OK,OK, seriously I do have a few, but I'll just bore you with the big ones. First is getting back into the healthy lifestyle I lived before Robert died. I am one of those people who have always struggled with weight. I know what I need to do to stay healthy,but the past 2 years I've been in a self loathing mode. Eating & drinking too much. Not exercising at all. I know I can do, I've done it a few times in my life & I always feel so much better physically & emotionally when I am at a healthier weight.

Since I am pregnant, I cannot hit the gym like I'd like, but I will have the healthiest pregnancy to date. I have to. I have been blessed with this baby & I am going to do all I can to achieve that. The doctor has told me I cannot gain more than 20lbs this time around. That is gonna be tough. With both The Princess & Robert I gained 50lbs. When I got pregnant with both of them I was at a weight my body was comfortable with. I was going to the gym a lot. With this baby, I was the heaviest I have ever been in my life, well over 200lbs. I had actually lost a little bit of weight right before I found out about this little Jelly Bean,but still weighted more then I did both times I delivered. It's gonna be tough, but this is a big one I need to keep.

Another resolution is more of a goal. Last year I decided I wanted to run a 5k...well a 5k in Walt Disney World. I let my grief, depression & anxiety run my life.I know this is not something that I may accomplish before 2011 ends, but I want to be on my way to achieving it. Once the baby is born, diet, exercise & training will be #1 ~ after family of course!

Lastly, I want to be a better blogger. Blogging has been such wonderful & Free therapy for me. Through blogging I have found some wonderful people out there on the Internet who have given me such hope & encouragement. If I can help someone by sharing my story the way my Internet friends have helped me this will all be worth it.

New Year ~ New Beginings

2010-12-31T12:59:00.000-08:00

All my blogger friends are doing "A Year in Review." Wish I had gotten that memo I might have had something Epic to write. I have an jackhammer type headache so I probably won't be as funny as I could be, but here goes.

2010 ~ will I miss you? Yes & No. You were filled with some pretty awesome times & some that totally sucked ass!! I'll try & focus on the positive.

The beginning of 2010 was crazy, but in that full of the awesome kinda way. we had our first Big fundraiser for SUDC in Robert's memory & we totally kicked ass ~ like raised well over $10,000 in one night at the Beef & Beer. we also had another cornhole tournament that raised a boat load of money too! Have I told you guys how much my friends kick ass? OK MY FRIENDS ROCK!!! We could not have done either one without them@

I went away on a Girls Only Trip to Walt Disney World with one of my best friends in the spring & it was wonderful. Disney is my Happy Place ~ I really wanna live there, but sadly they won't let me. While I missed my Hubby & the Princess tons, it was nice to have some Me time. Some thing I have kinda neglected lately.

For our family vacation this year we went on a Real Family vacation (my Whole family!!). We went to Maine, just like when we younger. My parents, my sister (her boy friend & my 2 nephews), me, Hubby, The Princess & my step-son all in one cabin on Sebec Lake, Maine. I loved sharing one of my favorite place with my family. Not to mention all the Lobster ~ OMFG (I am drooling just thinking about it).

The Fall gave us the biggest surprise of all. I am pregnant! The Hubby & I were in shock for a while, but now that I am in my second trimester we are over the moon with excitement. Even the Princess is excited. Just today at the Farmer's Market she kissed my baby bump while we were waiting for our number to be called at the meat counter.

I am looking forward to what 2011 has in store for us. I'm sure it will be crazy & emotional, but I am ready for whatever it has in store for me.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-29T15:12:00.000-08:00

Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-22T15:38:00.000-08:00

Traditions from Sorrow

2010-12-20T13:33:00.000-08:00

2 years ago yesterday we buried my little boy. I had not even realized what day it was until we were at the mall turning in our Salvation Army Angel Tree gifts. A tradition that was born when I was at the mall looking for a dress to wear to my son's funeral.

We walked out of Penny's & there was the Angel Tree. The fist tag I saw was for a little boy Robert's age. I immediately took it off the tree. I had bought a ton of new clothes & lots of toys for Robert. We returned a few days later with a Huge contractors bag filled with gifts for this little boy. At least I knew someone was going to have a Merry Christmas that year.

We had been "adopting" an Angel from the Salvation Army Tree for about 3 years before that day. My step-son's school had a tree in their lobby & we always picked a little boy that was the same age he was at the time. I would take my step-son & the Princess with me when we went shopping for the angel. I always wanted them to know that Christmas was not just about getting, but giving as well.

This tradition was different. I always pick a little boy who is the same age Robert would be on that Christmas. We give the gifts in memory of Robert & that is always how I fill out the donation card.

My heart beamed when this year the Princess said to me "Mommy I wanna give the bag to the lady at the table." She lifted the bag that was pretty much as big as she is onto the table & smiled a huge smile. "Here are Jason's Christmas presents!"

I started to cry. I cried for Jason's family; knowing how hard it is to give your children a Merry Christmas & still be able to pay the bills. I cried because yet again my daughter showed me that I am doing a good job as a parent. She has an even bigger heart than her Momma & that is just amazing for a 6 year old.

Most of all I cried for my Bubby. I should be buying him Christmas presents, picking out a Christmas outfit to match the Princess. Not picking out flowers for his grave or figuring out what to do for his grave blanket this year. I pray Jason & his family have a very Merry Christmas this year.

2nd Sunday in December

2010-12-12T13:13:00.000-08:00

*sigh*

On the second sunday of December in 2008 Robert did not wake up.

I woke this morning in tears, reliving 2 years ago.

Tonight at 7 pm I light my candle in memory of my son.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting 7 p.m. second Sunday in December around the globe is to honor and remember children who have died.

Welcome to the Club

2010-12-08T06:38:00.000-08:00

Two years ago today, I got the awful news that one of my HS friends had lost their young son to his heart defect. Zachary was 8 months old. I cried & I cried & snuggled a little extra with Robert that day. I remember telling the friend who told me the sad news "Oh my God! I can't even imagine how they feel. I would just curl up in a ball & die. This is so unfair." I wanted to go the Zach's funeral, but as a Mom of a 14 & 1/2 month old I KNEW I would not be able to see the little coffin or have the words for my friend & his wife.

One week later I became a fellow member of the Club. The club that NO ONE wants to get acceptance into. I was overwhelmed with guilt for not going to Zach's funeral. How could I be so selfish. It wasn't about me, I should have been there for my friend.

Irony & god have a funny sense of humor I've learned in the past 2 years.

~ Zach & Robert died 1 week apart.
~ Zach & Robert were buried 1 week apart.
~ Robert died 1 week after we had all gone to the Hubby's military Christmas party.
~ Robert was buried 1 week before Christmas.
~ Robert died the day after his cousin's birthday party.
~ 1 week before our first big fundraiser in Robert's memory I went to Zach's benefit.

My heart goes out to my "Sister" & "Brother" today.

It was bound to happen

2010-12-06T14:56:00.000-08:00

My memories of the day Robert died fall into 2 catagories, those that are burned into mind forever & those that are kinda fuzzy ~ like looking through smugged glasses. I am VERY thankful for the smugged ones. They are no where near as stressful to me as the ones that are clear. There were SO many cops, paramedics, family, detectives in the house it was crazy. I remember some of the people who showed up at the hospital, but wouldn't know the hospital staff that helped us if I ran into them again.

But, one person's face I will never forget is the first cop through the door that morning. As I type my mind is replaying the seconds that it took him to get from his car to the door. How I handed Robert to him & all I could get out was "help him." After the cop gave Robert to the paramedics he was in the hallway, between my bedroom (where the Princess was) & the bathroom. I shoved him out of the way as I ran into the bathroom to vomit as I heard the paramedics say words I'd heard on CSI & NCIS. I knew what they were saying, Robert was too far gone for them to do anything. Poor Princess, she thought the cop had shoved me because I fell on my way into the bathroom & then crawled to the toilet. she was afraid of anyone in uniform for a long time.

At some point when we were at the hospital, waiting, I heard my Hubby tell his First Sergant "Cooper was the first one in."

"You know him" I asked the Hubby.

"Yeah, he is in the Unit." Hubby replyed.

Fuck! I will see this cop all the time. How the hell am I gonna do that?

It's been almost 2 years since I saw Cooper, in person anyway. I saw him yesterday at the Hubby's Holiday Meal. I lost it. As soon as I saw his face I KNEW it was him. I could barely get the words out to ask the Hubby if that was the right Cooper (there are a few in the Unit), but I knew. I couldn't stop crying & panic started to set in ~ bad. I will never forget Cooper's face.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-12-01T07:58:00.000-08:00

MIA

2010-11-29T08:35:00.000-08:00

It's been too long since I blogged. Part of the reason was it was a VERY emotional few months. My hardest time of the year is Sept-Dec, so much happened in those last few months of Robert's life & I still struggle to get through this time of year almost 2 years after his death.

Another reason I have been away is my laptop was acting wonky, so I asked my Dad to have his friend take a look at it. It's been in his care for a while now, so I am guessing it was worse off then I imagined. Today I am using my Hubby's laptop, but my photos are all on mine ~ another reason I haven't blogged like I'd like.

I have a lot to catch up on & I will soon ~ hopefully. just waiting on the laptop to return home.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-09-30T16:42:00.000-07:00

And so it begins

2010-09-28T07:50:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Robert's 3rd birthday, but I am already a hot mess! Today started out with tears & anxiety. If I am this bad today, what will I be like tomorrow?

Last year was pretty low key, but this year I decided we should have a birthday party for our angel. Maybe that was a bad idea ~ only time will tell. I thought it would be good for the "babies" (Bubby's brother, sister & his cousins). So we will be BBQing, having bday cake & sending balloons to heaven for Robert's party there.

Hopefully I can make it through tomorrow.

Birthday Blues

2010-09-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

It's 4 days until Robert's 3rd birthday. I'm kinda on pins & needles, waiting to see how I will react.

Last night we had Princess B's birthday party. I felt like such a loser Mommy! I didn't do anything grand. All I did was throw together a crappy looking cake (I usually make her a kick ass Wilton shaped cake that matches her bday theme). Grabbed some birthday decorations from Dollar Tree & a couple of balloons hung from the tree out front, that popped even before the party started. {sigh}.

All she wanted was to go to Famous Dave's BBQ for supper & that's what we did. There were 13 of us & she had a good time. I got drunk on Octoberfest ~ thank you Sam Adams for making a damn good beer!

After supper some of the family came back here for neon pink birthday cake. We sang "Happy Birthday" & after she blew out her candles, Princess B proclaims "Today was the Best birthday EVER!!" Maybe I am a good Mommy after all!

Circles

2010-09-16T10:41:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought about a circle? We learn about circles early on. In Kindergarden one of the first shapes we learn is a circle. When we start to draw, a circle is one of the first things we use to express who we are (insert every child's self portrait of a smiley face here). Most wedding vows talk about how the weding ring in a circle ~ no beginning & no end. Depression is also a circle.

When Robert died I was in shock, a Zombie. I refused to eat or sleep. All the "little ones" knew something was wrong & were always with me.

I then moved on the Robot mode. I got out of bed. I did all the normal "Mom & Wife duties." Inside I was screaming at God.

As the days went it was harder to put on the act that everything was OK. Panic attacks became the norm, sometimes lasting an hour at a time. The meds weren't helping. The alcohol didn't help. Constantly reliving the day Robert died every time I closed my eyes sure as hell didn't help.

I got a lot worse before I got better. Not that I AM better, because I will never be better.

My meds seem to have my panic under control ~ for the most part. I still have flashes of the day my world was turned upside down. I thought I was headed in an upward direction.

It is almost Robert's 3rd birthday & I am falling back into the bottomless pit of anger, sadness, regret, guilt.

Seriously?!

2010-09-15T17:37:00.000-07:00

Driving today I pass a local church & there on their marquee, mocking me, is "Grief Recovery Class starting 9/9/10 at 7pm". Are you fucking serious?!?! I am having one of THOSE days. The kinda day where everything reminds me of Bubby. People don't understand how I feel & say stupid things to me ~ a lot. God & I are still on that break & it was so not nice of him to mock me today!

I'm sorry, but ANYONE who tells you that you can recover from grief is a fool. The traumatic event that causes your grief changes you forever. How can you recover from something you have NO CONTROL OVER?

What will this class teach me? Pray harder? God only gives you what you can handle? We don't know what God's plan for us is, but he does? PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens)? WHATEVER!!

Inspired to start writting again...

2010-09-13T11:43:00.000-07:00

I should have known it would end like this
It happens every time I let someone in
I believed the lies
Now I am the one who cries

Changes ahead ~ woohoo!

2010-08-04T18:03:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while & I am upset by that. Life has been crazy (Big Surprise right?!) Anyway, some of the craziness has turned into something wonderful.

As you know, Robert died in our house. I HATE my house!! Everyday, I get anxious as I walk over the spot where I laid my already dead son on the floor & performed CPR on him while begging 911 to get some here NOW! I rarely sit at the table to eat anymore. Robert sat between Princess B & I & it pains me to see he is not there.

Last week Joe & I decided to move. Hallelujah!!!!! We are moving in the same development into a friends house. It is my dream house!! Fireplace, new kitchen (dishwasher, pergo floors, pot rack), screened in porch with a hot tub ~ WOOHOO!! Plus the back yard has 3 raised gardens & an arbor {sigh}.

I know in my heart this is a wonderful & needed change in our lives. Yes I will miss the only home Robert ever knew, but I now have a ~~house~~ home with new memories ~ happier memories.

Blah!

2010-05-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

Run down & abandoned.

Lost in the dark clouds.

Tossed about in the storm.

I have a confession...

2010-05-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

I am a liar!

Everyone tells me how strong I am. The truth is I am a great actress.

Everyday I have to drag myself out of bed. I would much rather sleep the day away. Waiting for my beloved son to appear in my dreams.

Lie ~ When I am asked "how are you doing?" I always answer "fine" or "OK"
Truth ~ There is a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. I continue to cry myself or medicate myself to sleep at night. When I can't deal with something I medicate to sleep &not have to deal with it.

Lie ~ I finally found meds that work.
Truth ~ Nope! Sure I don't cry all day long, now I am pretty numb, but they sure do make it easier for me to fake my way through the day.

Lie ~ I've accepted that I will never know why or how Robert died. I obsess about it.
Truth ~ I continue to have panic attacks every Sunday morning when I wake up. I dream & think about the last few moments when I know he was alive.

Lie ~ I put on a good show.
Truth ~ My Hubby told me 2 days ago "...not to let it (my grief) ruin our life together. You still have to live!" Guess I am not getting that Oscar this year {sigh}

Does it get easier?

2009-12-01T20:40:00.000-08:00

Today is only December 1st & I am already an emotional basket case. Not that is a surprise to some of you (yes I am the one who cries at the Folgers Christmas commercial. You know the one where the brother comes home & surprsies the family by making coffee early in the morning!).

Usually I put ALL ofmy Christmas stuff up the day after Thanksgiving. Sometimes I've even put the tree up before the dessert dishes are cleared on Thanksgiving. Not this year. I have ZERO Christmas spirit. Last year Christmas was easier because I was still in a fog of WTF happened?!? I can't believe my son is dead. Not so much this year. Reality has set in & I have NO Friggin idea how to get through this month.

I know everyone greives differently & in their own time. I just hope I can get through this month. Get through this 1st anniversary. Get through Christmas.

Happy Birthday Bubby!

2009-12-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

Robert's 2nd birthday was a day of ups and downs. I knew it would be. Luckily there were more smiles than tears. The Hubby & I went to Robert's grave. We had to stop & get flowers. Normally I make an arrangement myself. I go & get some artifical flowers & put something together, but I wanted real flowers for this day; it was a special day. We went in together, but I couldn't pick anything. Yep, I made the Hubby do it. He picked out a small arrangement with lots of white flowers & a few blueish purple flowers. The florist cut them down for us, but when she asked me if they were for something special I lost it. "Our son's 2nd birthday" I spit out between sobs. She replied "Those are the hardest, I'm sorry. Do you want something to add for his birthday?" I already had a small balloon I planned on placing in the flowers so I politely declined.
Once we got to the Veterans Cemetary my knees got weak. I clutched the flowers and walked behind the Hubby to where our son is. I took out the old flowers that I had put in the vase the last time I was there. I put Bubby's birthday flowers in the vase then placed the lobster I bought back in June when we went on vacation to Maine & the Goofy from his 1st birthday cake. After last I lost it. Seriously. Crying so loud that people that were staring at me. Screaming on the inside & then I said it "I hate you God!" I said it in my head, but I said it & I ment it at that moment. The Hubby pulled me in close & I held on to him as if my life depended on it. We stood & cried for what seemed like hours, but wasn't. We stood there silently, sobbing, holding each other. Then we left. I cried the whole ride home.

Memories

2009-10-30T22:07:00.000-07:00

There are many days where when I close my eyes all I can see is the day Robert died or the day of his funeral. I try to remember the happy days we spent together, but honestly it is hard. Don't get me wrong, I have 14 1/2 months of WONDERFUL memories of my time with my son. As the anniversary of his death looms over me, I find myself back at that dreadful day. I try, with all my might, to live in those happy days. It is hard. I will not lie to you. I miss my son every second, of everyday. The hole in my heart grows deeper & I don't know how to stop it.

What will the day have in store for me?

2009-09-28T20:41:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow should have been Robert's 2nd birthday. I am really scared of tomorrow. How will I react? Just seeing pics from one of my friends son's 2nd bday party had me a sobbing mess. Tomorrow will also be the first time I will be at Robert's grave without the kids. Just the Hubby and I. That could be bad....really, really bad. Usually when we go I obsessivly clean off Robert's head stone. Then the Hubby starts losing it so I go to the other end of Robert's row & start to obsessivly clean Preston's head stone (Preston is one of the Hubby's Army buddies who 3 months after they came home from Iraq died in a motorcycle accident ~ we burried him on the Hubby & Princess B's bday). After I have cleaned his head stone I head back towards Robert's, but go a row behind & start to clean another of the Hubby Army buddies (he died from head trama after a fist fight). Needless to say I usually try & keep myself busy when we go to the Veteran's Cemetary where my baby is.
I plan on spending a lot of time there tomorrow. I don't think the Hubby will want to, but I NEED to. I need to sit there & grieve. Very raely do I lose it & when I do it is bad. So, I am getting my drinking in tonight my friends. Why tonight & not tomorrow? Well, you see, I can't drink when I take my "high octane" pills as I like to call them. That little extra to calm me down when I can't calm myself down. I have this funny feeling I will need them in a ddition to the anxiety drugs I am already on since Robert's death.
After we go wish Bubby Happy Birthday my dear sister-in-law has offered to take me out for a pedi. Hopefully getting out of the house & getting pampered will help me forget even for the littest bit what a sad day tomorrow is.

I know, I suck at this bloging thing!

2009-09-18T20:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while, but there is a good reason for that. I usually blog when I am really depressed or really drunk. Both have happened a lot lately, but I just haven't had the energy to blog. Don't worry though, as we get closer & closer to Robert's 2nd birthday I have LOTS to say! Get your extra large box of tissues ready because I'll be holding nothing back & it will get sad...sorry but that's just the way it will be. I gave you fair warning!!

Out of the Mouths of Babe's

2009-08-20T17:35:00.000-07:00

The other day Princess B & I were swimming with my SIL & my neice & nephew. My nephew is around 21 1/2months old now. It was the first time he "noticed" Robert's angel tattoo on my back while we were swimming that day. MY SIL & niece went into the house for a potty break & I was watching Princess B & Bubby's "twin." There are days where I see so much of my little man in my nephew that I truly believe that they really are twins & that my SIL & I were blessed with one each! Anyway, the kids were taking turns jumping into the pool & I would catch them. After my nephew jumped in he swam around to my back. Then I noticed the lightest little pat on my tattoo. I turned around to see Bubby's twin patty the tat, looked up at me & said clear as can be to me "Robert!" My nephew smiled, then hugged my back then swam back up to the ladder to take his turn jumping in the pool. I could not believe he did that. As soon as my SIL came back out to the pool I told her what happened. She looked at me & said "really? at home he points to Robert's pictures & says 'Me' " Even yesterday we "tested" this. We asked my nephew who was in the Christmas picture on the wall & sure enough he pointed to Robert,said "me" then pointed to himself "me." Immediately after my SIL asked him whose picture was on Aunt Heather's back "Robert." You can't tell me he doesn't remember his twin!!!

Bitter ~ Party of One

2009-08-12T17:19:00.000-07:00

I had 2 other really good blogs in mind for today; one was very warm & fuzzy about my 3 BFF's & the other about my nephew,but all that changed a few minutes ago when I found out someone I know is pregnant again. Yeah, yeah, I should be happy for them & I actually have three other friends that are pregnant right now that I am sooo incredibly happy for, but this one, well it just boils my blood. There I admit it, I am PISSED, MAD, probably even Jealous that this couple is having another baby. Why do I feel this way, other than the fact that I cannot have another baby short of us winning tonight's Power Ball to pay for my Hubby's vasectomy reversal & fertility treatments or a miracle from God (& since we are still technically on that break I don't see THAT happening anytime soon!) - this could take a while, so grab a cup of coffee, or like me an Adult Beverage and read on........

I am really struggling with people who have kids that, well shouldn't. Kinda like the Octomom. Have you seen her "preview" on the web about her new reality show. She finally admits she is selfish & was only thinking about herself when she had all of her embryos implanted. Wasn't thinking about her older children, how they would be affected, or even the babies she was carrying!!!

I also have a BIG problem with Dr. Drew's Mtv show "16 & Pregnant." Now I have never watched it, but I am sorry paying a high school sophomore to be followed around during their pregnancy & glamorizing pre-marital & unprotected sex really isn't a good idea. Sure I had sex before marriage, & I also have a dear friend who got pregnant our senior year in high school. I wasn't married when the Hubby & I got pregnant with our Princess, but I was in my 30's, he had already asked me to marry him & we both knew we were getting married & wanted to be together. My gf from HS, she was lucky. She had a Great support system, finished HS & went to college. Was a struggling single Mom for a looooong time & was blessed to find a great guy that she married a few years ago & her son graduated HS this year!

Finally why I am so bitter this couple is having another baby.....I know, I know I will probably get a bunch of comments after this blog (which when you think about it is really sad b/c people will bash me yet not comment on the other things I've said up till now....hmmmmmm). Anyway, I am so mad because this couple is very immature, both are in their mid-20's & she is very insecure when it comes to him being around other women & he is too worried he won't get head ever again if he stands up for himself & tells her to knock the jealousy off, but whines about her behind her back!. They have one child together & one that she was pregnant with when they met & married....we'll save that story for another day. These are friends that are all about appearance. You all have friends like that, the ones who have to have designers clothes, bags, expensive cars.....you know what I'm talking about, I know you have a friend like that. They spend beyond their means, care more about buying new things for themselves than for their kids.

In a nutshell I guess I hurt because I can't have another child. I actually got the nerve to brooch this subject with the Hubby about a month ago. He got upset with me because I was crying for no reason, again.

Me: "Hey! I'm emotional you knew that before you married me! Those 2 little blue pills I take everyday don't make me happy & spit rainbows out my butt! They keep me from having panic attacks every 2 mins - got it! " (Hmmm maybe being bitchy was me being enough of my old self to end this conversation......hahahaha I'm NOT that lucky).

Hubby: "Well what's wrong then?"

Me: "I'm crying because we can NEVER have another baby & I want to have another baby!"

Hubby: tears well up in his eyes

Me: (damn it! I knew you would do this! This is why I cry & Don't tell you what's wrong)

Hubby: "Babe, we can't replace Robert."

Me: "I don't want to replace him. I could never replace him, but I want another baby."

Hubby: "You know we can't"

Me: "I know, that's why I am crying. I didn't want you to get that damn vasectomy. That's why I cried everyday from the time you made the appointment to do it!!"

Bitter? Why yes, yes I am about lots of things.

Are we still on a break?

2009-08-04T20:12:00.001-07:00

I got some scary news last night. One of my friend's daughter was in the ER & of course my phone had crapped out on me earlier in the evening & had just charged back up so I had No Idea what time she actually sent the message. I send her a text, & ended up sleeping with my cell phone "just in case" she called. I then did something I had told myself I wasn't going to do; I prayed. As far as I am concerned God & I are still on a break when it comes to me, but I had to pray for my friend, her husband & their daughter.

Me: "Please God, I know we areon a break right now, but you have to be with K, J, & M. I can't bear to have them go through anything close to what I am dealing with. So, if you could please make sure M is OK & that K & J know everything will be OK. Thanks."
I didn't even wait for an answer.....I pulled the sheets over my head & tried to go to sleep.

My little Princess woke the Hubby & I up this morning "Daddy. DADDY!!!!! Can you put TV on for me? PLEEEEEEASE!" Daddy just rolled over & snored.....guess I'm getting up. I got out of bed put the TV on & stumble back into bed. I hadn't slept well & wasn't felling all that good on top of everything. About an hour later I got up, fed the kids & called K. She didn't answer her phone. OK that could be good or bad.......please let it be good, you know like they were up late at the ER & are home now sleeping after a long night. PLEEEEEEEASE! (hey it works for Princess B, why can't I try, right?)

I go about my day, worried. Worried about little M. Worried that since technically God & I are still on a break my prayer had gone right to his voicemail & he'd get to it later. Ugh! Then finally my phone rings "oh you so crazy. she's like baby. I'm like Swayze. I said ewww & I'm burning up so let's turn it up. I said turn it up now......" I dive across the living room & grab my phone before NKOTB get to finish "Dirty Dancing".

Me: "Hello?"
K : "we're home.........M's OK....."
Me: "Oh thank GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Anniversaries

2009-08-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

an⋅ni⋅ver⋅sa⋅ry
/ˌænəˈvɜrsəri/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [an-uh-vur-suh-ree] Show IPA noun, plural -ries, adjective

–noun
1. the yearly recurrence of the date of a past event: the tenth anniversary of their marriage.
2. the celebration or commemoration of such a date.

3. wedding anniversary

–adjective
4. returning or recurring each year; annual.
5. pertaining to an anniversary: an anniversary gift. Abbreviation: anniv.

Word Origin & History "anniversary"
c.1230, from L. anniversarius "returning annually," from annus "year" (see annual) + versus, pp. of vertere "to turn" (see versus). The adj. came to be used as a noun in Church L. as anniversaria (dies) in ref. to saints' days.

So now that we all know what exactly anniversary means let's discuss. There are many different types of anniversaries, both happy & sad. I never took too much stock in anniversaries. Of course my hubby & I celebrate our anniversary every year, but I never really thought about the true importance of them until recently.

Last night I was lucky enough to get my 3 best girlfriends down to my house for a BBQ. We had such a great time, eating, drinking, laughing, talking, & reminiscing. You know what they say about good food, good friends, good times (somebody says something like that right?!) It is so true with us. We get together & the good times always roll! One of the many things we discussed was anniversaries. My oldest (she's actually the youngest, but I have know her the longest. And she likes to constantly remind me the I am actually the oldest of the group!!) BFF asked us all what we considered our anniversaries our first date with our partner/husbands or when we got married. My hubby & I celebrate both. Our wedding anniversary is 4 days before our fist date anniversary. My other BFF said that they sometimes celebrate both, but know when both were. My third best girl said that her & her partner use the first time they "did the deed" as their anniversary. Oldest BFF then posed the dilemma that her & her current GF are having, they don't have an anniversary. We all looked at them like they had 4 heads & all responded at the same time "how do you guys NOT have an anniversary?!?!?" What, what, What??

That got me thinking about how many anniversaries that I have coming up. A few big ones I don't know how I will get through. Remember a few blogs back how I talked about God & I taking a break.....yeah we're still in that break. Part of the reason for that break is because there is one "anniversary" that I have to relive every week. I was getting me & the kids ready for church when I found Robert dead in his crib. Just the idea of going back to church sends me into a panic. The second Sunday of the month is always the worse. December 14, 2008 was the second Sunday of the month; PJ Day at church.

Another anniversary that is coming way to quickly is what would be Robert's 2nd birthday. I get anxious just at the mention of birthday party. Last year we had a huge party for the kids Bri turned 4, Robert turned 1 & Daddy was home from Iraq to celebrate his 33rd birthday. what a Great day it was. Robert slept through most of the party. How I have no idea. As usual, it was the hottest day in September & I had way too many people crammed into my way too small 3 bedroom rancher. As his Big Sis opened all her gifts, all the kids were screaming & carrying on the way they do at parties, our little Bubby slept through all the excitement. As the last guest left, Bubby woke up. He had missed opening his presents, missed having his little personal Mickey Mouse cake, missed all the fun that is a birthday party. What I didn't realize at the time was we had an even more special 1st birthday than I could ever had planned. We had dinner, just the 5 of us & then we took off Robert's Mickey Mouse Clubhouse tee & gave him his cake. I'll never forget how happy Bubby was to have his cake in our quiet kitchen,long after all the hoopla was over.

Don't even get me started with all the other anniversaries that are coming soon. I try not to think about them. I'm sure you'll read all about it soon enough. Blogging has become my free therapy sessions. So I guess our time is up for this session. See you next time!

It's going to be one of Those days!

2009-07-29T13:34:00.000-07:00

Went to see my Dr, again, on Mon. We've been trying to find the right combination of meds to help with my panic/anxiety as well as my insomnia. So far so good except for the whole lack of sleep issue. I've been able to function on very little sleep many other times. Back in my mid-twenty BFF & I would go out dancing till 3 am, go over to Philly Diner for some yummy, greasy food to soak up all the beer & shots we'd had at Iguana. Then proceed to get up bright and early to go into work & then do it all over again; night after night all week long! I'm also the one who would get up every 2-3 hours with kids to feed them at night. Joe would be working a lot, or in F ' ing Iraq so I HAD to function on minimal sleep. But lately I just can't do it. Don't go telling me "You're not as young as you used to be." No kidding! I have enough hair dye in my closet to keep the secret that I am VERY GRAY for a long time! Me & lack of sleep has not made for a happy household either. I am even bitchier than usual (yeah I know hard to believe, but it is true ~ I am even worse) & have an extremely short fuse too! Let's hope this new sleep med helps because if it doesn't I may have to go back to the drinking all night & dancing on the boat/bar; followed by lots of greasy food to function again!

***Identities have been changed to protect the guilty! ;)

In Loving Memory

2009-07-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

I had decided while Joe was deployed that if God forbid something had happened to him in Iraq I was going to get his portrait tattooed on me somewhere. So,of course,after Robert died I knew I wanted a tattoo to memorialize my precious son, but what? Should I get his portrait, if I do I need to find someone good. Kat Von D, that's who I want to do it. No, that won't happen. I want it soon & she is in LA & I'm sure super expensive b/c she is sooooo AMAZING. OK, back to the drawing board. *sigh*

Joe on the other hand knew exactly what he wanted & went right out to get. He came home from work one & had Robert's name & birthday on his inside right wrist. While he was there he asked about their portrait artist since he knew I really want a portrait. His artist said they have a female artist that does great portrait work. OK let's see her work http://www.explosivetattoo.com/artists/deirde.html That's it I am sold!

I go in & drop off my ideas to her, leave my deposit & wait, & wait, & wait. I know what I want is a lot of work, but I want my tattoo already!!!!! A few weeks later I drop in on a Sat (she only works Sat & Sun). Deirdre had my line drawing done.....OMG it was perfect. I cried, she cried. I haven't even gotten it yet & I know it is perfect. So let's make my appointment, by the way, did I tell you I was going on vacation for 2 weeks.........................um NO. Alright, tell me what you have. Sat, May 16th...that won't work. That's the day of the All Ranks Ball.....grrrr (I had really wanted to have the tattoo already done by then). Next available day is Sun, May 24th. That'll work!

A few days before my appointment Joe gets a call about OT. OT that is worth a lot of $$$$$, but it starts May 24th 8am.....GRRRRRRRRRRR. I really wanted Joe with me. The last tattoo I got was on my foot & I was not a good client!!! I broke out into a cold sweat, my foot was shaking so bad my artist had to stop to put my toe ring back on b/c it was starting to slide off my toe &I said the F word the entire time!! (all 10 mins it took to get the tattoo). Great, what am I going to do now? This one is going to take at least 3 hours. I can't go by myself. This is going to be a painful day, in many ways & I can't do it alone (I'm not that strong ~ remember). I send an urgent text out to my 2 BFF's. Heather responds immediately. She'll be there! SWEET.

The day is finally here. Heather picks me up & we head over to Explosive Tattoo. We're a little early,but that is OK ~ gives us time to chat. Heather & I go in & Deirdre starts to make my stencil. It takes her a while, but it's b/c she wants it to be perfect (I knew she was the right choice!!). She sets up her room & Heather & I head in. The rest is pretty boring so I won't share everything that happened for the next 3 1/2 hours. Here are the highlights. It hurt & Heather informed me that I was doing my labor breathing....LOL. (I don't do that HEHEHE HAAAAHH BS. I take nice loooooong deeeeeep breaths) We only took one break, to change out the needle for shading & restart the CD player ~ Deirdre listens to some awesome tunes when she works! Heather decided she wanted some new ink while she was there, I didn't need her she said, apparently I was being an excellent client & sitting great.....hmmm who knew?!?! Heather goes off & gets a cool turtle on her ankle & comes back...I'm still not done, Yikes! A few more touches & Deirdre is finished. Heather & Deirdre both are talking about how good it turned out, how much it looks JUST like Robert....OK WHEN DO I GET TO SEE IT????!!! LOL So Deirdre hands me a mirror & I turn around to see this ~

The detail is AMAZING! His eyelashes, the scar on his lip, even his hair........I was speechless (& if you know me well you know that me being speechless NEVER happens). I hugged Deirdre. She had given me everything I had wanted & more in this tattoo. The day after I got it I must have gotten at least 5 compliments from strangers at how beautiful it is. Even last Fri. We went to Wildwood for the day. I was waiting in line for a kiddie ride with Bri & I could hear the Mother behind me taking to her son about how pretty the angel baby was on my back *sigh* That is exactly what I wanted. Whether people say something to me about it or just talk about it to someone else, my undying love for Robert is out there for the whole world to see.

I love you Bubby, FOREVER! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

You Don't Get More Than You Can Handle

2009-07-21T20:02:00.000-07:00

Throughout the past 2 years I have often heard "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Well I have a bone to pick with God. I am NOT as strong as he thinks I am! Somehow, I managed to get through my husband's year long tour in Iraq. I had to. I didn't know if I would ever see him again. To this day, I remember the day Joe left for Iraq. Late at night in Sept 2007 I hugged & kissed my husband, he rubbed my h u g e, 9 months pregnant belly, kissed my belly and get on a bus. I can still see his big,goofy grin as he smiled & waved good-bye. I stood there, watched the buses pull out into the darkness & I prayed to God that he would come home safe & our son would get to meet his Daddy. (I would pray that prayer everyday for the next year.) I got into the truck & lost it. I cried the whole way home. 27 days later Robert was born. I'm not so strong.

Now, 7 months after Robert's death I can't seem to "get it together." I'm pretty smart, I know that I am grieving & that everyone grieves differently, but I've had enough. I don't want the panic attacks for no reason. Panic attacks that I shouldn't be getting anymore because of the meds I'm on. Tired of being tired because I can't sleep at night because every time I close my eyes I see Robert in his crib when I found him, or in the hospital on the gurney. I'm starting to get mad, really mad. Mad at my husband because I had to go through another major event alone. Mad at the Army for not letting Joe be home for Robert's birth. Mad at God!

This is how our conversations have been lately:

Me: "Why did Robert have to die?"

God: no response

Me: "Hrmph"

Me: "Guess I should have been more specific when I asked you to bring Joe home safe so Robert could meet him."

God: no response

Me: "grrrrrr"

Me: "I'm a good Mommy, why do I not to get to have my baby still?"

God: no response

Me: sobbing

Me: "I think you & I need a break!!!"

God: no response

Life Goes On.....

2009-06-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

Someone had the Nerve to say that to me today. "Life does go on." Is it the same life, absolutely NOT. My life turned upside down 6 months ago. Do you know what I did 2 weeks before Christmas of 2008? I had to go to the mall with my best friend & Robert's Godmother to pick out something to bury my son in. Make decisions that no mother should have to make. Make decisions by myself because my husband had to leave the room because he couldn't handle it any more. Life goes on; decisions have to be made. Was I happy about it, Hell No! Did I do it? Yes, if I didn't who would?

My husband is in the military. In April 2007 he got orders to spend 12 months on Iraq. I was 3 months pregnant with Robert at the time. We had just bought our 1st home a few weeks earlier. From the moment he told me he was going to war I started to plan my husband's funeral. Why you ask? Because I am realistic. I had to be prepared if the worst happened. Life goes on. 4,316 of our soldiers have given their life as of today for their country. They & their families know that is a possibility if you are in the military at this time. Everyday to I prayed "Please God, let him come home & meet his son." Maybe I should have been more specific.

Tomorrow I take my Princess to her end of year dance recital. Will I want to be there, not really. I'd rather spend it at my baby's grave, but will I take her to her recital with the biggest smile on my face, of course. Life goes on, right? All day I will think about Robert's funeral. How 6 months ago to the day, I had to stand for 2 1/2 hours in front on my sons small casket. Listen to my pastor give my 14 1/2 month old son's funeral. Then stand with my husband as we opened Robert's casket so I could cover him snugly with a blanket. Kiss him one last time & watch 4 of our dear friends in their Military dress uniforms carry my baby to the hearse. Life goes on.......

6 month anniversary

2009-06-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

{sigh} Yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of Robert's death. The past 6 months seem more like a year honestly. I thought time drug on when Joe was deployed in Iraq, but that flew by in comparison to this. Not a day doesn't go by that I don't think to myself "Oh no, I forgot Robert at home." Or I look in the backseat of the truck & my heart stops because I think "I lost Robert in the store!!!" Then I realize that he's gone. I flash back to the moment I found him laying so still in his crib, I knew in my heart he was already gone. There was nothing I could do. 6 months ago was the hardest day of my life! Harder than saying goodbye to my husband while I was 9 months pregnant as he drove off on a bus late at night to get on a plane to go to war. Harder than the day I had to go to the hospital straight from my OB appointment because they couldn't find Robert's heart beat, alone. Harder than the day Robert was born and the phone connection Joe was on in Iraq sucked and I couldn't hear him half the time. Harder than giving birth to Robert, without an epidural because he came so quick it didn't take. Harder than the 9 months I was home alone with 3 kids and a husband who was at war & having near misses almost everyday. At 7:55 am on Sunday December 14, 2008 I went to get Robert up and ready for church. I picked my baby up out of his crib & knew he was dead. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. Brianna was in our bedroom watching Playhouse Disney. She couldn't know what was happening. I carried Robert into the living room, called 911 and pleaded for help. I gave my baby CPR, knowing it was useless, waiting for what seemed like hours for the police to arrive, it was barely 3 minutes. I handed Robert to the first officer through the door, only to later find out he is in Joe's unit. He took Robert and another officer and paramedics came in. They tried to work on him, but I knew from the words they were saying it was too late. As soon as I had handed Robert to them I called Joe on his cell phone. He wasn't home. I didn't know where he was. He had left at 4:45 am to take Kameryn to his hockey game. Joe's phone was ringing, but then I realized what am I going to say to him? I handed my phone over to another officer & said "I can't tell my husband. You have to talk to him!" I don't know what he told Joe, but thank God he was only around the corner. Joe barrelled through the front door to find me sitting on the floor sobbing. Joe called his family to come over and they were here within minutes. I couldn't get a hold of my parents, finally between my best friend Heather, the police here calling the police in my hometown, and my Uncle calling a friend on my hometown police department, Heather & the police knocked on my parent's door to tell them. All I wanted to do was be with Robert, get to the hospital. I had to answer questions & give my sister-in-law my phone tell her who I needed her to call. Joe called his LT at work, his 1Sgt from the unit. "God we need to get to the hospital. Why are we still here?!?!?!" Finally they let us leave and head to the hospital. They took us into a waiting room and had to sit and wait while person after person from the hospital and police talked to us. Thankfully not long after we got to the hospital so did numerous people from Joe's unit, our church, and people from Joe's work. I was so overwhelmed by how many people came to help us. Much of the rest of the day at the hospital is still a blur. I remember pits and pieces of those hours at the hospital, but mainly I just remember being numb. My Robert was dead. What had happened. All the questions the coroner was asking me, that I had to tell the detective the same things I had told the police at the house, I just wanted to see my baby. "When can I see Robert?" Finally Joe & I could see him. Our sweet baby boy. All I wanted to do was lay next to him, my head next to him, smelling his hair. Bubby had the best hair, he was supposed to get a hair cut on Fri. I just rubbed his hair with one hand & held Joe's with the other. Kissing my baby's head, tears wetting it. That is how I spent the day 6 months ago.