Birthday Blues

It's 4 days until Robert's 3rd birthday.  I'm kinda on pins & needles, waiting to see how I will react.

Last night we had Princess B's birthday party.  I felt like such a loser Mommy!  I didn't do anything grand. All I did was throw together a crappy looking cake (I usually make her a kick ass Wilton shaped cake that matches her bday theme).  Grabbed some birthday decorations from Dollar Tree & a couple of balloons hung from the tree out front, that popped even before the party started. {sigh}.

All she wanted was to go to Famous Dave's BBQ for supper & that's what we did.  There were 13 of us & she had a good time.  I got drunk on Octoberfest ~ thank you Sam Adams for making a damn good beer!

After supper some of the family came back here for neon pink birthday cake.  We sang "Happy Birthday" & after she blew out her candles, Princess B proclaims "Today was the Best birthday EVER!!"  Maybe I am a good Mommy after all!

Circles

Have you ever thought about a circle?  We learn about circles early on.  In Kindergarden one of the first shapes we learn is a circle.  When we start to draw, a circle is one of the first things we use to express who we are (insert every child's self portrait of a smiley face here).  Most wedding vows talk about how the weding ring in a circle ~ no beginning & no end.  Depression is also a circle.

When Robert died I was in shock, a Zombie.  I refused to eat or sleep.  All the "little ones" knew something was wrong & were always with me.

I then moved on the Robot mode.  I got out of bed.  I did all the normal "Mom & Wife duties." Inside I was screaming at God.

As the days went it was harder to put on the act that everything was OK.  Panic attacks became the norm, sometimes lasting an hour at a time.  The meds weren't helping.  The alcohol didn't help.  Constantly reliving the day Robert died every time I closed my eyes sure as hell didn't help.

I got a lot worse before I got better.  Not that I AM better, because I will never be better. 

My meds seem to have my panic under control ~ for the most part.  I still have flashes of the day my world was turned upside down.  I thought I was headed in an upward direction.

It is almost Robert's 3rd birthday & I am falling back into the bottomless pit of anger, sadness, regret, guilt.

Seriously?!

Driving today I pass a local church & there on their marquee, mocking me, is "Grief Recovery Class starting 9/9/10 at 7pm".  Are you fucking serious?!?!  I am having one of THOSE days.  The kinda day where everything reminds me of Bubby.  People don't understand how I feel & say stupid things to me ~ a lot.  God & I are still on that break & it was so not nice of him to mock me today!

I'm sorry, but ANYONE who tells you that you can recover from grief is a fool.  The traumatic event that causes your grief changes you forever.  How can you recover from something you have NO CONTROL OVER? 

What will this class teach me?  Pray harder? God only gives you what you can handle?  We don't know what God's plan for us is, but he does? PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens)?  WHATEVER!!

Inspired to start writting again...

I should have known it would end like this
It happens every time I let someone in
I believed the lies
Now I am the one who cries

Changes ahead ~ woohoo!

I haven't blogged in a while & I am upset by that. Life has been crazy (Big Surprise right?!) Anyway, some of the craziness has turned into something wonderful. 

As you know, Robert died in our house. I HATE my house!!  Everyday, I get anxious as I walk over the spot where I laid my already dead son on the floor & performed CPR on him while begging 911 to get some here NOW! I rarely sit at the table to eat anymore.  Robert sat between Princess B & I & it pains me to see he is not there.

Last week Joe & I decided to move.  Hallelujah!!!!!  We are moving in the same development into a friends house.  It is my dream house!! Fireplace, new kitchen (dishwasher, pergo floors, pot rack), screened in porch with a hot tub ~ WOOHOO!!  Plus the back yard has 3 raised gardens & an arbor {sigh}.

I know in my heart this is a wonderful & needed change in our lives.  Yes I will miss the only home Robert ever knew, but I now have a house home with new memories ~ happier memories.

Blah!

Run down & abandoned.

Lost in the dark clouds.

Tossed about in the storm.

I have a confession...

I am a liar!


Everyone tells me how strong I am.  The truth is I am a great actress. 


Everyday I have to drag myself out of bed.  I would much rather sleep the day away.  Waiting for my beloved son to appear in my dreams.


Lie ~ When I am asked "how are you doing?" I always answer "fine" or "OK" 
Truth ~ There is a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. I continue to cry myself or medicate myself to sleep at night. When I can't deal with something I medicate to sleep &not have to deal with it.


Lie ~ I finally found meds that work. 
Truth ~ Nope!  Sure I don't cry all day long, now I am pretty numb, but they sure do make it easier for me to fake my way through the day.



Lie ~ I've accepted that I will never know why or how Robert died.  I obsess about it. 
Truth ~ I continue to have panic attacks every Sunday morning when I wake up. I dream & think about the last few moments when I know he was alive. 


Lie ~ I put on a good show.
Truth ~ My Hubby told me 2 days ago "...not to let it (my grief) ruin our life together. You still have to live!"  Guess I am not getting that Oscar this year {sigh}