Blah!

Run down & abandoned.

Lost in the dark clouds.

Tossed about in the storm.

I have a confession...

I am a liar!


Everyone tells me how strong I am.  The truth is I am a great actress. 


Everyday I have to drag myself out of bed.  I would much rather sleep the day away.  Waiting for my beloved son to appear in my dreams.


Lie ~ When I am asked "how are you doing?" I always answer "fine" or "OK" 
Truth ~ There is a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. I continue to cry myself or medicate myself to sleep at night. When I can't deal with something I medicate to sleep &not have to deal with it.


Lie ~ I finally found meds that work. 
Truth ~ Nope!  Sure I don't cry all day long, now I am pretty numb, but they sure do make it easier for me to fake my way through the day.



Lie ~ I've accepted that I will never know why or how Robert died.  I obsess about it. 
Truth ~ I continue to have panic attacks every Sunday morning when I wake up. I dream & think about the last few moments when I know he was alive. 


Lie ~ I put on a good show.
Truth ~ My Hubby told me 2 days ago "...not to let it (my grief) ruin our life together. You still have to live!"  Guess I am not getting that Oscar this year {sigh}

Does it get easier?

Today is only December 1st & I am already an emotional basket case.  Not that is a surprise to some of you (yes I am the one who cries at the Folgers Christmas commercial.  You know the one where the brother comes home & surprsies the family by making coffee early in the morning!).

Usually I put ALL ofmy Christmas stuff up the day after Thanksgiving.  Sometimes I've even put the tree up before the dessert dishes are cleared on Thanksgiving.  Not this year.  I have ZERO Christmas spirit.  Last year Christmas was easier because I was still in a fog of WTF happened?!?  I can't believe my son is dead.  Not so much this year.  Reality has set in & I have NO Friggin idea how to get through this month.

I know everyone greives differently & in their own time. I just hope I can get through this month.  Get through this 1st anniversary.  Get through Christmas.

Happy Birthday Bubby!

Robert's 2nd birthday was a day of ups and downs.  I knew it would be.  Luckily there were more smiles than tears.  The Hubby & I went to Robert's grave.  We had to stop & get flowers.  Normally I make an arrangement myself.  I go & get some artifical flowers & put something together, but I wanted real flowers for this day; it was a special day.  We went in together, but I couldn't pick anything. Yep, I made the Hubby do it.  He picked out a small arrangement with lots of white flowers & a few blueish purple flowers.  The florist cut them down for us, but when she asked me if they were for something special I lost it.  "Our son's 2nd birthday" I spit out between sobs.  She replied "Those are the hardest, I'm sorry.  Do you want something to add for his birthday?"  I already had a small balloon I planned on placing in the flowers so I politely declined.
Once we got to the Veterans Cemetary my knees got weak.  I clutched the flowers and walked behind the Hubby to where our son is. I took out the old flowers that I had put in the vase the last time I was there.  I put Bubby's birthday flowers in the vase then placed the lobster I bought back in June when we went on vacation to Maine & the Goofy from his 1st birthday cake.  After last I lost it.  Seriously.  Crying so loud that people that were staring at me.  Screaming on the inside & then I said it "I hate you God!"  I said it in my head, but I said it & I ment it at that moment.  The Hubby pulled me in close & I held on to him as if my life depended on it.  We stood & cried for what seemed like hours, but wasn't.  We stood there silently, sobbing, holding each other.  Then we left.  I cried the whole ride home.

Memories

There are many days where when I close my eyes all I can see is the day Robert died or the day of his funeral.  I try to remember the happy days we spent together, but honestly it is hard.   Don't get me wrong, I have 14 1/2 months of WONDERFUL memories of my time with my son.  As the anniversary of his death looms over me, I find myself back at that dreadful day.  I try, with all my might, to live in those happy days.  It is hard.  I will not lie to you.  I miss my son every second, of everyday.  The hole in my heart grows deeper & I don't know how to stop it.

What will the day have in store for me?

Tomorrow should have been Robert's 2nd birthday.  I am really scared of tomorrow.  How will I react?  Just seeing pics from one of my friends son's 2nd bday party had me a sobbing mess.  Tomorrow will also be the first time I will be at Robert's grave without the kids.  Just the Hubby and I.  That could be bad....really, really bad.  Usually when we go I obsessivly clean off Robert's head stone.  Then the Hubby starts losing it so I go to the other end of Robert's row & start to obsessivly clean Preston's head stone (Preston is one of the Hubby's Army buddies who 3 months after they came home from Iraq died in a motorcycle accident ~ we burried him on the Hubby & Princess B's bday).  After I have cleaned his head stone I head back towards Robert's, but go a row behind & start to clean another of the Hubby Army buddies (he died from head trama after a fist fight).  Needless to say I usually try & keep myself busy when we go to the Veteran's Cemetary where my baby is.
I plan on spending a lot of time there tomorrow.  I don't think the Hubby will want to, but I NEED to.  I need to sit there & grieve.  Very raely do I lose it & when I do it is bad.  So, I am getting my drinking in tonight my friends.  Why tonight & not tomorrow?  Well, you see, I can't drink when I take my "high octane" pills as I like to call them.  That little extra to calm me down when I can't calm myself down.  I have this funny feeling I will need them in a ddition to the anxiety drugs I am already on since Robert's death.
After we go wish Bubby Happy Birthday my dear sister-in-law has offered to take me out for a pedi.  Hopefully getting out of the house & getting pampered will help me forget even for the littest bit what a sad day tomorrow is.

I know, I suck at this bloging thing!

I haven't blogged in a while, but there is a good reason for that. I usually blog when I am really depressed or really drunk. Both have happened a lot lately, but I just haven't had the energy to blog. Don't worry though, as we get closer & closer to Robert's 2nd birthday I have LOTS to say! Get your extra large box of tissues ready because I'll be holding nothing back & it will get sad...sorry but that's just the way it will be. I gave you fair warning!!