Thursday, June 18, 2009

Life Goes On.....

Someone had the Nerve to say that to me today. "Life does go on." Is it the same life, absolutely NOT. My life turned upside down 6 months ago. Do you know what I did 2 weeks before Christmas of 2008? I had to go to the mall with my best friend & Robert's Godmother to pick out something to bury my son in. Make decisions that no mother should have to make. Make decisions by myself because my husband had to leave the room because he couldn't handle it any more. Life goes on; decisions have to be made. Was I happy about it, Hell No! Did I do it? Yes, if I didn't who would?

My husband is in the military. In April 2007 he got orders to spend 12 months on Iraq. I was 3 months pregnant with Robert at the time. We had just bought our 1st home a few weeks earlier. From the moment he told me he was going to war I started to plan my husband's funeral. Why you ask? Because I am realistic. I had to be prepared if the worst happened. Life goes on. 4,316 of our soldiers have given their life as of today for their country. They & their families know that is a possibility if you are in the military at this time. Everyday to I prayed "Please God, let him come home & meet his son." Maybe I should have been more specific.

Tomorrow I take my Princess to her end of year dance recital. Will I want to be there, not really. I'd rather spend it at my baby's grave, but will I take her to her recital with the biggest smile on my face, of course. Life goes on, right? All day I will think about Robert's funeral. How 6 months ago to the day, I had to stand for 2 1/2 hours in front on my sons small casket. Listen to my pastor give my 14 1/2 month old son's funeral. Then stand with my husband as we opened Robert's casket so I could cover him snugly with a blanket. Kiss him one last time & watch 4 of our dear friends in their Military dress uniforms carry my baby to the hearse. Life goes on.......

Monday, June 15, 2009

6 month anniversary

{sigh} Yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of Robert's death. The past 6 months seem more like a year honestly. I thought time drug on when Joe was deployed in Iraq, but that flew by in comparison to this. Not a day doesn't go by that I don't think to myself "Oh no, I forgot Robert at home." Or I look in the backseat of the truck & my heart stops because I think "I lost Robert in the store!!!" Then I realize that he's gone. I flash back to the moment I found him laying so still in his crib, I knew in my heart he was already gone. There was nothing I could do. 6 months ago was the hardest day of my life! Harder than saying goodbye to my husband while I was 9 months pregnant as he drove off on a bus late at night to get on a plane to go to war. Harder than the day I had to go to the hospital straight from my OB appointment because they couldn't find Robert's heart beat, alone. Harder than the day Robert was born and the phone connection Joe was on in Iraq sucked and I couldn't hear him half the time. Harder than giving birth to Robert, without an epidural because he came so quick it didn't take. Harder than the 9 months I was home alone with 3 kids and a husband who was at war & having near misses almost everyday. At 7:55 am on Sunday December 14, 2008 I went to get Robert up and ready for church. I picked my baby up out of his crib & knew he was dead. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. Brianna was in our bedroom watching Playhouse Disney. She couldn't know what was happening. I carried Robert into the living room, called 911 and pleaded for help. I gave my baby CPR, knowing it was useless, waiting for what seemed like hours for the police to arrive, it was barely 3 minutes. I handed Robert to the first officer through the door, only to later find out he is in Joe's unit. He took Robert and another officer and paramedics came in. They tried to work on him, but I knew from the words they were saying it was too late. As soon as I had handed Robert to them I called Joe on his cell phone. He wasn't home. I didn't know where he was. He had left at 4:45 am to take Kameryn to his hockey game. Joe's phone was ringing, but then I realized what am I going to say to him? I handed my phone over to another officer & said "I can't tell my husband. You have to talk to him!" I don't know what he told Joe, but thank God he was only around the corner. Joe barrelled through the front door to find me sitting on the floor sobbing. Joe called his family to come over and they were here within minutes. I couldn't get a hold of my parents, finally between my best friend Heather, the police here calling the police in my hometown, and my Uncle calling a friend on my hometown police department, Heather & the police knocked on my parent's door to tell them. All I wanted to do was be with Robert, get to the hospital. I had to answer questions & give my sister-in-law my phone tell her who I needed her to call. Joe called his LT at work, his 1Sgt from the unit. "God we need to get to the hospital. Why are we still here?!?!?!" Finally they let us leave and head to the hospital. They took us into a waiting room and had to sit and wait while person after person from the hospital and police talked to us. Thankfully not long after we got to the hospital so did numerous people from Joe's unit, our church, and people from Joe's work. I was so overwhelmed by how many people came to help us. Much of the rest of the day at the hospital is still a blur. I remember pits and pieces of those hours at the hospital, but mainly I just remember being numb. My Robert was dead. What had happened. All the questions the coroner was asking me, that I had to tell the detective the same things I had told the police at the house, I just wanted to see my baby. "When can I see Robert?" Finally Joe & I could see him. Our sweet baby boy. All I wanted to do was lay next to him, my head next to him, smelling his hair. Bubby had the best hair, he was supposed to get a hair cut on Fri. I just rubbed his hair with one hand & held Joe's with the other. Kissing my baby's head, tears wetting it. That is how I spent the day 6 months ago.