It was bound to happen

My memories of the day Robert died fall into 2 catagories, those that are burned into  mind forever & those that are kinda fuzzy ~ like looking through smugged glasses.  I am VERY thankful for the smugged ones.  They are no where near as stressful to me as the ones that are clear.  There were SO many cops, paramedics, family, detectives in the house it was crazy.  I remember some of the people who showed up at the hospital, but wouldn't know the hospital staff that helped us if I ran into them again.

But, one person's face I will never forget is the first cop through the door that morning.  As I type my mind is replaying the seconds that it took him to get from his car to the door.  How I handed Robert to him & all I could get out was "help him."  After the cop gave Robert to the paramedics he was in the hallway, between my bedroom (where the Princess was) & the bathroom.  I shoved him out of the way as I ran into the bathroom to vomit as I heard the paramedics say words I'd heard on CSI & NCIS.  I knew what they were saying, Robert was too far gone for them to do anything.  Poor Princess, she thought the cop had shoved me because I fell on my way into the bathroom & then crawled to the toilet.  she was afraid of anyone in uniform for a long time.

At some point when we were at the hospital, waiting, I heard my Hubby tell his First Sergant "Cooper was the first one in."

"You know him" I asked the Hubby.

"Yeah, he is in the Unit." Hubby replyed.

Fuck!  I will see this cop all the time.  How the hell am I gonna do that?

It's been almost 2 years since I saw Cooper, in person anyway.  I saw him yesterday at the Hubby's Holiday Meal.  I lost it.  As soon as I saw his face I KNEW it was him.  I could barely get the words out to ask the Hubby if that was the right Cooper (there are a few in the Unit), but I knew.  I couldn't stop crying & panic started to set in ~ bad. I will never forget Cooper's face.

Circles

Have you ever thought about a circle?  We learn about circles early on.  In Kindergarden one of the first shapes we learn is a circle.  When we start to draw, a circle is one of the first things we use to express who we are (insert every child's self portrait of a smiley face here).  Most wedding vows talk about how the weding ring in a circle ~ no beginning & no end.  Depression is also a circle.

When Robert died I was in shock, a Zombie.  I refused to eat or sleep.  All the "little ones" knew something was wrong & were always with me.

I then moved on the Robot mode.  I got out of bed.  I did all the normal "Mom & Wife duties." Inside I was screaming at God.

As the days went it was harder to put on the act that everything was OK.  Panic attacks became the norm, sometimes lasting an hour at a time.  The meds weren't helping.  The alcohol didn't help.  Constantly reliving the day Robert died every time I closed my eyes sure as hell didn't help.

I got a lot worse before I got better.  Not that I AM better, because I will never be better. 

My meds seem to have my panic under control ~ for the most part.  I still have flashes of the day my world was turned upside down.  I thought I was headed in an upward direction.

It is almost Robert's 3rd birthday & I am falling back into the bottomless pit of anger, sadness, regret, guilt.