Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Does it get easier?

Today is only December 1st & I am already an emotional basket case.  Not that is a surprise to some of you (yes I am the one who cries at the Folgers Christmas commercial.  You know the one where the brother comes home & surprsies the family by making coffee early in the morning!).

Usually I put ALL ofmy Christmas stuff up the day after Thanksgiving.  Sometimes I've even put the tree up before the dessert dishes are cleared on Thanksgiving.  Not this year.  I have ZERO Christmas spirit.  Last year Christmas was easier because I was still in a fog of WTF happened?!?  I can't believe my son is dead.  Not so much this year.  Reality has set in & I have NO Friggin idea how to get through this month.

I know everyone greives differently & in their own time. I just hope I can get through this month.  Get through this 1st anniversary.  Get through Christmas.

Happy Birthday Bubby!

Robert's 2nd birthday was a day of ups and downs.  I knew it would be.  Luckily there were more smiles than tears.  The Hubby & I went to Robert's grave.  We had to stop & get flowers.  Normally I make an arrangement myself.  I go & get some artifical flowers & put something together, but I wanted real flowers for this day; it was a special day.  We went in together, but I couldn't pick anything. Yep, I made the Hubby do it.  He picked out a small arrangement with lots of white flowers & a few blueish purple flowers.  The florist cut them down for us, but when she asked me if they were for something special I lost it.  "Our son's 2nd birthday" I spit out between sobs.  She replied "Those are the hardest, I'm sorry.  Do you want something to add for his birthday?"  I already had a small balloon I planned on placing in the flowers so I politely declined.
Once we got to the Veterans Cemetary my knees got weak.  I clutched the flowers and walked behind the Hubby to where our son is. I took out the old flowers that I had put in the vase the last time I was there.  I put Bubby's birthday flowers in the vase then placed the lobster I bought back in June when we went on vacation to Maine & the Goofy from his 1st birthday cake.  After last I lost it.  Seriously.  Crying so loud that people that were staring at me.  Screaming on the inside & then I said it "I hate you God!"  I said it in my head, but I said it & I ment it at that moment.  The Hubby pulled me in close & I held on to him as if my life depended on it.  We stood & cried for what seemed like hours, but wasn't.  We stood there silently, sobbing, holding each other.  Then we left.  I cried the whole ride home.