It was bound to happen

My memories of the day Robert died fall into 2 catagories, those that are burned into  mind forever & those that are kinda fuzzy ~ like looking through smugged glasses.  I am VERY thankful for the smugged ones.  They are no where near as stressful to me as the ones that are clear.  There were SO many cops, paramedics, family, detectives in the house it was crazy.  I remember some of the people who showed up at the hospital, but wouldn't know the hospital staff that helped us if I ran into them again.

But, one person's face I will never forget is the first cop through the door that morning.  As I type my mind is replaying the seconds that it took him to get from his car to the door.  How I handed Robert to him & all I could get out was "help him."  After the cop gave Robert to the paramedics he was in the hallway, between my bedroom (where the Princess was) & the bathroom.  I shoved him out of the way as I ran into the bathroom to vomit as I heard the paramedics say words I'd heard on CSI & NCIS.  I knew what they were saying, Robert was too far gone for them to do anything.  Poor Princess, she thought the cop had shoved me because I fell on my way into the bathroom & then crawled to the toilet.  she was afraid of anyone in uniform for a long time.

At some point when we were at the hospital, waiting, I heard my Hubby tell his First Sergant "Cooper was the first one in."

"You know him" I asked the Hubby.

"Yeah, he is in the Unit." Hubby replyed.

Fuck!  I will see this cop all the time.  How the hell am I gonna do that?

It's been almost 2 years since I saw Cooper, in person anyway.  I saw him yesterday at the Hubby's Holiday Meal.  I lost it.  As soon as I saw his face I KNEW it was him.  I could barely get the words out to ask the Hubby if that was the right Cooper (there are a few in the Unit), but I knew.  I couldn't stop crying & panic started to set in ~ bad. I will never forget Cooper's face.

Wordless Wednesday

Life Goes On.....

Someone had the Nerve to say that to me today. "Life does go on." Is it the same life, absolutely NOT. My life turned upside down 6 months ago. Do you know what I did 2 weeks before Christmas of 2008? I had to go to the mall with my best friend & Robert's Godmother to pick out something to bury my son in. Make decisions that no mother should have to make. Make decisions by myself because my husband had to leave the room because he couldn't handle it any more. Life goes on; decisions have to be made. Was I happy about it, Hell No! Did I do it? Yes, if I didn't who would?

My husband is in the military. In April 2007 he got orders to spend 12 months on Iraq. I was 3 months pregnant with Robert at the time. We had just bought our 1st home a few weeks earlier. From the moment he told me he was going to war I started to plan my husband's funeral. Why you ask? Because I am realistic. I had to be prepared if the worst happened. Life goes on. 4,316 of our soldiers have given their life as of today for their country. They & their families know that is a possibility if you are in the military at this time. Everyday to I prayed "Please God, let him come home & meet his son." Maybe I should have been more specific.

Tomorrow I take my Princess to her end of year dance recital. Will I want to be there, not really. I'd rather spend it at my baby's grave, but will I take her to her recital with the biggest smile on my face, of course. Life goes on, right? All day I will think about Robert's funeral. How 6 months ago to the day, I had to stand for 2 1/2 hours in front on my sons small casket. Listen to my pastor give my 14 1/2 month old son's funeral. Then stand with my husband as we opened Robert's casket so I could cover him snugly with a blanket. Kiss him one last time & watch 4 of our dear friends in their Military dress uniforms carry my baby to the hearse. Life goes on.......