Wordless Wednesday

I have a confession...

I am a liar!


Everyone tells me how strong I am.  The truth is I am a great actress. 


Everyday I have to drag myself out of bed.  I would much rather sleep the day away.  Waiting for my beloved son to appear in my dreams.


Lie ~ When I am asked "how are you doing?" I always answer "fine" or "OK" 
Truth ~ There is a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. I continue to cry myself or medicate myself to sleep at night. When I can't deal with something I medicate to sleep &not have to deal with it.


Lie ~ I finally found meds that work. 
Truth ~ Nope!  Sure I don't cry all day long, now I am pretty numb, but they sure do make it easier for me to fake my way through the day.



Lie ~ I've accepted that I will never know why or how Robert died.  I obsess about it. 
Truth ~ I continue to have panic attacks every Sunday morning when I wake up. I dream & think about the last few moments when I know he was alive. 


Lie ~ I put on a good show.
Truth ~ My Hubby told me 2 days ago "...not to let it (my grief) ruin our life together. You still have to live!"  Guess I am not getting that Oscar this year {sigh}

Does it get easier?

Today is only December 1st & I am already an emotional basket case.  Not that is a surprise to some of you (yes I am the one who cries at the Folgers Christmas commercial.  You know the one where the brother comes home & surprsies the family by making coffee early in the morning!).

Usually I put ALL ofmy Christmas stuff up the day after Thanksgiving.  Sometimes I've even put the tree up before the dessert dishes are cleared on Thanksgiving.  Not this year.  I have ZERO Christmas spirit.  Last year Christmas was easier because I was still in a fog of WTF happened?!?  I can't believe my son is dead.  Not so much this year.  Reality has set in & I have NO Friggin idea how to get through this month.

I know everyone greives differently & in their own time. I just hope I can get through this month.  Get through this 1st anniversary.  Get through Christmas.

Happy Birthday Bubby!

Robert's 2nd birthday was a day of ups and downs.  I knew it would be.  Luckily there were more smiles than tears.  The Hubby & I went to Robert's grave.  We had to stop & get flowers.  Normally I make an arrangement myself.  I go & get some artifical flowers & put something together, but I wanted real flowers for this day; it was a special day.  We went in together, but I couldn't pick anything. Yep, I made the Hubby do it.  He picked out a small arrangement with lots of white flowers & a few blueish purple flowers.  The florist cut them down for us, but when she asked me if they were for something special I lost it.  "Our son's 2nd birthday" I spit out between sobs.  She replied "Those are the hardest, I'm sorry.  Do you want something to add for his birthday?"  I already had a small balloon I planned on placing in the flowers so I politely declined.
Once we got to the Veterans Cemetary my knees got weak.  I clutched the flowers and walked behind the Hubby to where our son is. I took out the old flowers that I had put in the vase the last time I was there.  I put Bubby's birthday flowers in the vase then placed the lobster I bought back in June when we went on vacation to Maine & the Goofy from his 1st birthday cake.  After last I lost it.  Seriously.  Crying so loud that people that were staring at me.  Screaming on the inside & then I said it "I hate you God!"  I said it in my head, but I said it & I ment it at that moment.  The Hubby pulled me in close & I held on to him as if my life depended on it.  We stood & cried for what seemed like hours, but wasn't.  We stood there silently, sobbing, holding each other.  Then we left.  I cried the whole ride home.

Memories

There are many days where when I close my eyes all I can see is the day Robert died or the day of his funeral.  I try to remember the happy days we spent together, but honestly it is hard.   Don't get me wrong, I have 14 1/2 months of WONDERFUL memories of my time with my son.  As the anniversary of his death looms over me, I find myself back at that dreadful day.  I try, with all my might, to live in those happy days.  It is hard.  I will not lie to you.  I miss my son every second, of everyday.  The hole in my heart grows deeper & I don't know how to stop it.

What will the day have in store for me?

Tomorrow should have been Robert's 2nd birthday.  I am really scared of tomorrow.  How will I react?  Just seeing pics from one of my friends son's 2nd bday party had me a sobbing mess.  Tomorrow will also be the first time I will be at Robert's grave without the kids.  Just the Hubby and I.  That could be bad....really, really bad.  Usually when we go I obsessivly clean off Robert's head stone.  Then the Hubby starts losing it so I go to the other end of Robert's row & start to obsessivly clean Preston's head stone (Preston is one of the Hubby's Army buddies who 3 months after they came home from Iraq died in a motorcycle accident ~ we burried him on the Hubby & Princess B's bday).  After I have cleaned his head stone I head back towards Robert's, but go a row behind & start to clean another of the Hubby Army buddies (he died from head trama after a fist fight).  Needless to say I usually try & keep myself busy when we go to the Veteran's Cemetary where my baby is.
I plan on spending a lot of time there tomorrow.  I don't think the Hubby will want to, but I NEED to.  I need to sit there & grieve.  Very raely do I lose it & when I do it is bad.  So, I am getting my drinking in tonight my friends.  Why tonight & not tomorrow?  Well, you see, I can't drink when I take my "high octane" pills as I like to call them.  That little extra to calm me down when I can't calm myself down.  I have this funny feeling I will need them in a ddition to the anxiety drugs I am already on since Robert's death.
After we go wish Bubby Happy Birthday my dear sister-in-law has offered to take me out for a pedi.  Hopefully getting out of the house & getting pampered will help me forget even for the littest bit what a sad day tomorrow is.

In Loving Memory

I had decided while Joe was deployed that if God forbid something had happened to him in Iraq I was going to get his portrait tattooed on me somewhere. So,of course,after Robert died I knew I wanted a tattoo to memorialize my precious son, but what? Should I get his portrait, if I do I need to find someone good. Kat Von D, that's who I want to do it. No, that won't happen. I want it soon & she is in LA & I'm sure super expensive b/c she is sooooo AMAZING. OK, back to the drawing board. *sigh*

Joe on the other hand knew exactly what he wanted & went right out to get. He came home from work one & had Robert's name & birthday on his inside right wrist. While he was there he asked about their portrait artist since he knew I really want a portrait. His artist said they have a female artist that does great portrait work. OK let's see her work http://www.explosivetattoo.com/artists/deirde.html That's it I am sold!

I go in & drop off my ideas to her, leave my deposit & wait, & wait, & wait. I know what I want is a lot of work, but I want my tattoo already!!!!! A few weeks later I drop in on a Sat (she only works Sat & Sun). Deirdre had my line drawing done.....OMG it was perfect. I cried, she cried. I haven't even gotten it yet & I know it is perfect. So let's make my appointment, by the way, did I tell you I was going on vacation for 2 weeks.........................um NO. Alright, tell me what you have. Sat, May 16th...that won't work. That's the day of the All Ranks Ball.....grrrr (I had really wanted to have the tattoo already done by then). Next available day is Sun, May 24th. That'll work!


A few days before my appointment Joe gets a call about OT. OT that is worth a lot of $$$$$, but it starts May 24th 8am.....GRRRRRRRRRRR. I really wanted Joe with me. The last tattoo I got was on my foot & I was not a good client!!! I broke out into a cold sweat, my foot was shaking so bad my artist had to stop to put my toe ring back on b/c it was starting to slide off my toe &I said the F word the entire time!! (all 10 mins it took to get the tattoo). Great, what am I going to do now? This one is going to take at least 3 hours. I can't go by myself. This is going to be a painful day, in many ways & I can't do it alone (I'm not that strong ~ remember). I send an urgent text out to my 2 BFF's. Heather responds immediately. She'll be there! SWEET.


The day is finally here. Heather picks me up & we head over to Explosive Tattoo. We're a little early,but that is OK ~ gives us time to chat. Heather & I go in & Deirdre starts to make my stencil. It takes her a while, but it's b/c she wants it to be perfect (I knew she was the right choice!!). She sets up her room & Heather & I head in. The rest is pretty boring so I won't share everything that happened for the next 3 1/2 hours. Here are the highlights. It hurt & Heather informed me that I was doing my labor breathing....LOL. (I don't do that HEHEHE HAAAAHH BS. I take nice loooooong deeeeeep breaths) We only took one break, to change out the needle for shading & restart the CD player ~ Deirdre listens to some awesome tunes when she works! Heather decided she wanted some new ink while she was there, I didn't need her she said, apparently I was being an excellent client & sitting great.....hmmm who knew?!?! Heather goes off & gets a cool turtle on her ankle & comes back...I'm still not done, Yikes! A few more touches & Deirdre is finished. Heather & Deirdre both are talking about how good it turned out, how much it looks JUST like Robert....OK WHEN DO I GET TO SEE IT????!!! LOL So Deirdre hands me a mirror & I turn around to see this ~

The detail is AMAZING! His eyelashes, the scar on his lip, even his hair........I was speechless (& if you know me well you know that me being speechless NEVER happens). I hugged Deirdre. She had given me everything I had wanted & more in this tattoo. The day after I got it I must have gotten at least 5 compliments from strangers at how beautiful it is. Even last Fri. We went to Wildwood for the day. I was waiting in line for a kiddie ride with Bri & I could hear the Mother behind me taking to her son about how pretty the angel baby was on my back *sigh* That is exactly what I wanted. Whether people say something to me about it or just talk about it to someone else, my undying love for Robert is out there for the whole world to see.

I love you Bubby, FOREVER! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

You Don't Get More Than You Can Handle

Throughout the past 2 years I have often heard "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Well I have a bone to pick with God. I am NOT as strong as he thinks I am! Somehow, I managed to get through my husband's year long tour in Iraq. I had to. I didn't know if I would ever see him again. To this day, I remember the day Joe left for Iraq. Late at night in Sept 2007 I hugged & kissed my husband, he rubbed my h u g e, 9 months pregnant belly, kissed my belly and get on a bus. I can still see his big,goofy grin as he smiled & waved good-bye. I stood there, watched the buses pull out into the darkness & I prayed to God that he would come home safe & our son would get to meet his Daddy. (I would pray that prayer everyday for the next year.) I got into the truck & lost it. I cried the whole way home. 27 days later Robert was born. I'm not so strong.

Now, 7 months after Robert's death I can't seem to "get it together." I'm pretty smart, I know that I am grieving & that everyone grieves differently, but I've had enough. I don't want the panic attacks for no reason. Panic attacks that I shouldn't be getting anymore because of the meds I'm on. Tired of being tired because I can't sleep at night because every time I close my eyes I see Robert in his crib when I found him, or in the hospital on the gurney. I'm starting to get mad, really mad. Mad at my husband because I had to go through another major event alone. Mad at the Army for not letting Joe be home for Robert's birth. Mad at God!

This is how our conversations have been lately:

Me: "Why did Robert have to die?"

God: no response

Me: "Hrmph"

Me: "Guess I should have been more specific when I asked you to bring Joe home safe so Robert could meet him."

God: no response

Me: "grrrrrr"

Me: "I'm a good Mommy, why do I not to get to have my baby still?"

God: no response

Me: sobbing

Me: "I think you & I need a break!!!"

God: no response

Life Goes On.....

Someone had the Nerve to say that to me today. "Life does go on." Is it the same life, absolutely NOT. My life turned upside down 6 months ago. Do you know what I did 2 weeks before Christmas of 2008? I had to go to the mall with my best friend & Robert's Godmother to pick out something to bury my son in. Make decisions that no mother should have to make. Make decisions by myself because my husband had to leave the room because he couldn't handle it any more. Life goes on; decisions have to be made. Was I happy about it, Hell No! Did I do it? Yes, if I didn't who would?

My husband is in the military. In April 2007 he got orders to spend 12 months on Iraq. I was 3 months pregnant with Robert at the time. We had just bought our 1st home a few weeks earlier. From the moment he told me he was going to war I started to plan my husband's funeral. Why you ask? Because I am realistic. I had to be prepared if the worst happened. Life goes on. 4,316 of our soldiers have given their life as of today for their country. They & their families know that is a possibility if you are in the military at this time. Everyday to I prayed "Please God, let him come home & meet his son." Maybe I should have been more specific.

Tomorrow I take my Princess to her end of year dance recital. Will I want to be there, not really. I'd rather spend it at my baby's grave, but will I take her to her recital with the biggest smile on my face, of course. Life goes on, right? All day I will think about Robert's funeral. How 6 months ago to the day, I had to stand for 2 1/2 hours in front on my sons small casket. Listen to my pastor give my 14 1/2 month old son's funeral. Then stand with my husband as we opened Robert's casket so I could cover him snugly with a blanket. Kiss him one last time & watch 4 of our dear friends in their Military dress uniforms carry my baby to the hearse. Life goes on.......