New Year ~ New Beginings

All my blogger friends are doing "A Year in Review."  Wish I had gotten that memo I might have had something Epic to write.  I have an jackhammer type headache so I probably won't be as funny as I could be, but here goes.

2010 ~ will I miss you? Yes & No.  You were filled with some pretty awesome times & some that totally sucked ass!!  I'll try & focus on the positive.

The beginning of 2010 was crazy, but in that full of the awesome kinda way.  we had our first Big fundraiser for SUDC in Robert's memory & we totally kicked ass ~ like raised well over $10,000 in one night at the Beef & Beer.  we also had another cornhole tournament that raised a boat load of money too!  Have I told you guys how much my friends kick ass?  OK MY FRIENDS ROCK!!!  We could not have done either one without them@

I went away on a Girls Only Trip to Walt Disney World with one of my best friends in the spring & it was wonderful.  Disney is my Happy Place ~ I really wanna live there, but sadly they won't let me.  While I missed my Hubby & the Princess tons, it was nice to have some Me time.  Some thing I have kinda neglected lately.

For our family vacation this year we went on a Real Family vacation (my Whole family!!).  We went to Maine, just like when we younger.  My parents, my sister  (her boy friend & my 2 nephews), me, Hubby, The Princess & my step-son all in one cabin on Sebec Lake, Maine.  I loved sharing one of my favorite place with my family.  Not to mention all the Lobster ~ OMFG (I am drooling just thinking about it).

The Fall gave us the biggest surprise of all.  I am pregnant! The Hubby & I were in shock for a while, but now that I am in my second trimester we are over the moon with excitement.  Even the Princess is excited.  Just today at the Farmer's Market she kissed my baby bump while we were waiting for our number to be called at the meat counter.

I am looking forward to what 2011 has in store for us.  I'm sure it will be crazy & emotional, but I am ready for  whatever it has in store for me.

Wordless Wednesday

You Don't Get More Than You Can Handle

Throughout the past 2 years I have often heard "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Well I have a bone to pick with God. I am NOT as strong as he thinks I am! Somehow, I managed to get through my husband's year long tour in Iraq. I had to. I didn't know if I would ever see him again. To this day, I remember the day Joe left for Iraq. Late at night in Sept 2007 I hugged & kissed my husband, he rubbed my h u g e, 9 months pregnant belly, kissed my belly and get on a bus. I can still see his big,goofy grin as he smiled & waved good-bye. I stood there, watched the buses pull out into the darkness & I prayed to God that he would come home safe & our son would get to meet his Daddy. (I would pray that prayer everyday for the next year.) I got into the truck & lost it. I cried the whole way home. 27 days later Robert was born. I'm not so strong.

Now, 7 months after Robert's death I can't seem to "get it together." I'm pretty smart, I know that I am grieving & that everyone grieves differently, but I've had enough. I don't want the panic attacks for no reason. Panic attacks that I shouldn't be getting anymore because of the meds I'm on. Tired of being tired because I can't sleep at night because every time I close my eyes I see Robert in his crib when I found him, or in the hospital on the gurney. I'm starting to get mad, really mad. Mad at my husband because I had to go through another major event alone. Mad at the Army for not letting Joe be home for Robert's birth. Mad at God!

This is how our conversations have been lately:

Me: "Why did Robert have to die?"

God: no response

Me: "Hrmph"

Me: "Guess I should have been more specific when I asked you to bring Joe home safe so Robert could meet him."

God: no response

Me: "grrrrrr"

Me: "I'm a good Mommy, why do I not to get to have my baby still?"

God: no response

Me: sobbing

Me: "I think you & I need a break!!!"

God: no response