Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year ~ New Beginings

All my blogger friends are doing "A Year in Review."  Wish I had gotten that memo I might have had something Epic to write.  I have an jackhammer type headache so I probably won't be as funny as I could be, but here goes.

2010 ~ will I miss you? Yes & No.  You were filled with some pretty awesome times & some that totally sucked ass!!  I'll try & focus on the positive.

The beginning of 2010 was crazy, but in that full of the awesome kinda way.  we had our first Big fundraiser for SUDC in Robert's memory & we totally kicked ass ~ like raised well over $10,000 in one night at the Beef & Beer.  we also had another cornhole tournament that raised a boat load of money too!  Have I told you guys how much my friends kick ass?  OK MY FRIENDS ROCK!!!  We could not have done either one without them@

I went away on a Girls Only Trip to Walt Disney World with one of my best friends in the spring & it was wonderful.  Disney is my Happy Place ~ I really wanna live there, but sadly they won't let me.  While I missed my Hubby & the Princess tons, it was nice to have some Me time.  Some thing I have kinda neglected lately.

For our family vacation this year we went on a Real Family vacation (my Whole family!!).  We went to Maine, just like when we younger.  My parents, my sister  (her boy friend & my 2 nephews), me, Hubby, The Princess & my step-son all in one cabin on Sebec Lake, Maine.  I loved sharing one of my favorite place with my family.  Not to mention all the Lobster ~ OMFG (I am drooling just thinking about it).

The Fall gave us the biggest surprise of all.  I am pregnant! The Hubby & I were in shock for a while, but now that I am in my second trimester we are over the moon with excitement.  Even the Princess is excited.  Just today at the Farmer's Market she kissed my baby bump while we were waiting for our number to be called at the meat counter.

I am looking forward to what 2011 has in store for us.  I'm sure it will be crazy & emotional, but I am ready for  whatever it has in store for me.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Traditions from Sorrow

2 years ago yesterday we buried my little boy. I had not even realized what day it was until we were at the mall turning in our Salvation Army Angel Tree gifts.  A tradition that was born when I was at the mall looking for a dress to wear to my son's funeral.

We walked out of Penny's & there was the Angel Tree.  The fist tag I saw was for a little boy Robert's age.  I immediately took it off the tree.  I had bought a ton of new clothes & lots of toys for Robert.  We returned a few days later with a Huge contractors bag filled with gifts for this little boy.  At least I knew someone was going to have a Merry Christmas that year.

We had been "adopting" an Angel from the Salvation Army Tree for about 3 years before that day.  My step-son's school had a tree in their lobby & we always picked a little boy that was the same age he was at the time.  I would take my step-son & the Princess with me when we went shopping for the angel.  I always wanted them to know that Christmas was not just about getting, but giving as well.

This tradition was different.  I always pick a little boy who is the same age Robert would be on that Christmas.  We give the gifts in memory of Robert & that is always how I fill out the donation card.

My heart beamed when this year the Princess said to me "Mommy I wanna give the bag to the lady at the table."  She lifted the bag that was pretty much as big as she is onto the table & smiled a huge smile.  "Here are Jason's Christmas presents!" 

I started to cry.  I cried for Jason's family; knowing how hard it is to give your children a Merry Christmas & still be able to pay the bills.  I cried because yet again my daughter showed me that I am doing a good job as a parent.  She has an even bigger heart than her Momma & that is just amazing for a 6 year old. 

Most of all I cried for my Bubby.  I should be buying him Christmas presents, picking out a Christmas outfit to match the Princess.  Not picking out flowers for his grave or figuring out what to do for his grave blanket this year.  I pray Jason & his family have a very Merry Christmas this year.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

2nd Sunday in December


On the second sunday of December in 2008 Robert did not wake up.

I woke this morning in tears, reliving 2 years ago.

Tonight at 7 pm I light my candle in memory of my son.

The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting

Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting 7 p.m. second Sunday in December around the globe is to honor and remember children who have died.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Welcome to the Club

Two years ago today, I got the awful news that one of my HS friends had lost their young son to his heart defect. Zachary was 8 months old.  I cried & I cried & snuggled a little extra with Robert that day.  I remember telling the friend who told me the sad news "Oh my God!  I can't even imagine how they feel. I would just curl up in a ball & die. This is so unfair."  I wanted to go the Zach's funeral, but as a Mom of a 14 & 1/2 month old I KNEW I would not be able to see the little coffin or have the words for my friend & his wife.

One week later I became a fellow member of the Club.  The club that NO ONE wants to get acceptance into.  I was overwhelmed with guilt for not going to Zach's funeral.  How could I be so selfish.  It wasn't about me, I should have been there for my friend.

Irony & god have a funny sense of humor I've learned in the past 2 years.

~  Zach & Robert died 1 week apart.
~  Zach & Robert were buried 1 week apart.
~  Robert died 1 week after we had all gone to the Hubby's military Christmas party.
~  Robert was buried 1 week before Christmas.
~  Robert died the day after his cousin's birthday party.
~  1 week before our first big fundraiser in Robert's memory I went to Zach's benefit.

My heart goes out to my "Sister" & "Brother" today. 

Monday, December 6, 2010

It was bound to happen

My memories of the day Robert died fall into 2 catagories, those that are burned into  mind forever & those that are kinda fuzzy ~ like looking through smugged glasses.  I am VERY thankful for the smugged ones.  They are no where near as stressful to me as the ones that are clear.  There were SO many cops, paramedics, family, detectives in the house it was crazy.  I remember some of the people who showed up at the hospital, but wouldn't know the hospital staff that helped us if I ran into them again.

But, one person's face I will never forget is the first cop through the door that morning.  As I type my mind is replaying the seconds that it took him to get from his car to the door.  How I handed Robert to him & all I could get out was "help him."  After the cop gave Robert to the paramedics he was in the hallway, between my bedroom (where the Princess was) & the bathroom.  I shoved him out of the way as I ran into the bathroom to vomit as I heard the paramedics say words I'd heard on CSI & NCIS.  I knew what they were saying, Robert was too far gone for them to do anything.  Poor Princess, she thought the cop had shoved me because I fell on my way into the bathroom & then crawled to the toilet.  she was afraid of anyone in uniform for a long time.

At some point when we were at the hospital, waiting, I heard my Hubby tell his First Sergant "Cooper was the first one in."

"You know him" I asked the Hubby.

"Yeah, he is in the Unit." Hubby replyed.

Fuck!  I will see this cop all the time.  How the hell am I gonna do that?

It's been almost 2 years since I saw Cooper, in person anyway.  I saw him yesterday at the Hubby's Holiday Meal.  I lost it.  As soon as I saw his face I KNEW it was him.  I could barely get the words out to ask the Hubby if that was the right Cooper (there are a few in the Unit), but I knew.  I couldn't stop crying & panic started to set in ~ bad. I will never forget Cooper's face.