Wordless Wednesday

Traditions from Sorrow

2 years ago yesterday we buried my little boy. I had not even realized what day it was until we were at the mall turning in our Salvation Army Angel Tree gifts.  A tradition that was born when I was at the mall looking for a dress to wear to my son's funeral.

We walked out of Penny's & there was the Angel Tree.  The fist tag I saw was for a little boy Robert's age.  I immediately took it off the tree.  I had bought a ton of new clothes & lots of toys for Robert.  We returned a few days later with a Huge contractors bag filled with gifts for this little boy.  At least I knew someone was going to have a Merry Christmas that year.

We had been "adopting" an Angel from the Salvation Army Tree for about 3 years before that day.  My step-son's school had a tree in their lobby & we always picked a little boy that was the same age he was at the time.  I would take my step-son & the Princess with me when we went shopping for the angel.  I always wanted them to know that Christmas was not just about getting, but giving as well.

This tradition was different.  I always pick a little boy who is the same age Robert would be on that Christmas.  We give the gifts in memory of Robert & that is always how I fill out the donation card.

My heart beamed when this year the Princess said to me "Mommy I wanna give the bag to the lady at the table."  She lifted the bag that was pretty much as big as she is onto the table & smiled a huge smile.  "Here are Jason's Christmas presents!" 

I started to cry.  I cried for Jason's family; knowing how hard it is to give your children a Merry Christmas & still be able to pay the bills.  I cried because yet again my daughter showed me that I am doing a good job as a parent.  She has an even bigger heart than her Momma & that is just amazing for a 6 year old. 

Most of all I cried for my Bubby.  I should be buying him Christmas presents, picking out a Christmas outfit to match the Princess.  Not picking out flowers for his grave or figuring out what to do for his grave blanket this year.  I pray Jason & his family have a very Merry Christmas this year.

2nd Sunday in December

*sigh*

On the second sunday of December in 2008 Robert did not wake up.

I woke this morning in tears, reliving 2 years ago.

Tonight at 7 pm I light my candle in memory of my son.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting


http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting 7 p.m. second Sunday in December around the globe is to honor and remember children who have died.

Welcome to the Club

Two years ago today, I got the awful news that one of my HS friends had lost their young son to his heart defect. Zachary was 8 months old.  I cried & I cried & snuggled a little extra with Robert that day.  I remember telling the friend who told me the sad news "Oh my God!  I can't even imagine how they feel. I would just curl up in a ball & die. This is so unfair."  I wanted to go the Zach's funeral, but as a Mom of a 14 & 1/2 month old I KNEW I would not be able to see the little coffin or have the words for my friend & his wife.

One week later I became a fellow member of the Club.  The club that NO ONE wants to get acceptance into.  I was overwhelmed with guilt for not going to Zach's funeral.  How could I be so selfish.  It wasn't about me, I should have been there for my friend.

Irony & god have a funny sense of humor I've learned in the past 2 years.

~  Zach & Robert died 1 week apart.
~  Zach & Robert were buried 1 week apart.
~  Robert died 1 week after we had all gone to the Hubby's military Christmas party.
~  Robert was buried 1 week before Christmas.
~  Robert died the day after his cousin's birthday party.
~  1 week before our first big fundraiser in Robert's memory I went to Zach's benefit.

My heart goes out to my "Sister" & "Brother" today. 

Anniversaries

an⋅ni⋅ver⋅sa⋅ry 
 /ˌænəˈvɜrsəri/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [an-uh-vur-suh-ree] Show IPA noun, plural -ries, adjective

–noun
1. the yearly recurrence of the date of a past event: the tenth anniversary of their marriage.
2. the celebration or commemoration of such a date.

3. wedding anniversary

–adjective
4. returning or recurring each year; annual.
5. pertaining to an anniversary: an anniversary gift. Abbreviation: anniv.

Word Origin & History "anniversary"
c.1230, from L. anniversarius "returning annually," from annus "year" (see annual) + versus, pp. of vertere "to turn" (see versus). The adj. came to be used as a noun in Church L. as anniversaria (dies) in ref. to saints' days.

So now that we all know what exactly anniversary means let's discuss. There are many different types of anniversaries, both happy & sad. I never took too much stock in anniversaries. Of course my hubby & I celebrate our anniversary every year, but I never really thought about the true importance of them until recently.

Last night I was lucky enough to get my 3 best girlfriends down to my house for a BBQ. We had such a great time, eating, drinking, laughing, talking, & reminiscing. You know what they say about good food, good friends, good times (somebody says something like that right?!) It is so true with us. We get together & the good times always roll! One of the many things we discussed was anniversaries. My oldest (she's actually the youngest, but I have know her the longest. And she likes to constantly remind me the I am actually the oldest of the group!!) BFF asked us all what we considered our anniversaries our first date with our partner/husbands or when we got married. My hubby & I celebrate both. Our wedding anniversary is 4 days before our fist date anniversary. My other BFF said that they sometimes celebrate both, but know when both were. My third best girl said that her & her partner use the first time they "did the deed" as their anniversary. Oldest BFF then posed the dilemma that her & her current GF are having, they don't have an anniversary. We all looked at them like they had 4 heads & all responded at the same time "how do you guys NOT have an anniversary?!?!?" What, what, What??

That got me thinking about how many anniversaries that I have coming up. A few big ones I don't know how I will get through. Remember a few blogs back how I talked about God & I taking a break.....yeah we're still in that break. Part of the reason for that break is because there is one "anniversary" that I have to relive every week. I was getting me & the kids ready for church when I found Robert dead in his crib. Just the idea of going back to church sends me into a panic. The second Sunday of the month is always the worse. December 14, 2008 was the second Sunday of the month; PJ Day at church.

Another anniversary that is coming way to quickly is what would be Robert's 2nd birthday. I get anxious just at the mention of birthday party. Last year we had a huge party for the kids Bri turned 4, Robert turned 1 & Daddy was home from Iraq to celebrate his 33rd birthday. what a Great day it was. Robert slept through most of the party. How I have no idea. As usual, it was the hottest day in September & I had way too many people crammed into my way too small 3 bedroom rancher. As his Big Sis opened all her gifts, all the kids were screaming & carrying on the way they do at parties, our little Bubby slept through all the excitement. As the last guest left, Bubby woke up. He had missed opening his presents, missed having his little personal Mickey Mouse cake, missed all the fun that is a birthday party. What I didn't realize at the time was we had an even more special 1st birthday than I could ever had planned. We had dinner, just the 5 of us & then we took off Robert's Mickey Mouse Clubhouse tee & gave him his cake. I'll never forget how happy Bubby was to have his cake in our quiet kitchen,long after all the hoopla was over.

Don't even get me started with all the other anniversaries that are coming soon. I try not to think about them. I'm sure you'll read all about it soon enough. Blogging has become my free therapy sessions. So I guess our time is up for this session. See you next time!