Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Usually I put ALL ofmy Christmas stuff up the day after Thanksgiving. Sometimes I've even put the tree up before the dessert dishes are cleared on Thanksgiving. Not this year. I have ZERO Christmas spirit. Last year Christmas was easier because I was still in a fog of WTF happened?!? I can't believe my son is dead. Not so much this year. Reality has set in & I have NO Friggin idea how to get through this month.
I know everyone greives differently & in their own time. I just hope I can get through this month. Get through this 1st anniversary. Get through Christmas.
Once we got to the Veterans Cemetary my knees got weak. I clutched the flowers and walked behind the Hubby to where our son is. I took out the old flowers that I had put in the vase the last time I was there. I put Bubby's birthday flowers in the vase then placed the lobster I bought back in June when we went on vacation to Maine & the Goofy from his 1st birthday cake. After last I lost it. Seriously. Crying so loud that people that were staring at me. Screaming on the inside & then I said it "I hate you God!" I said it in my head, but I said it & I ment it at that moment. The Hubby pulled me in close & I held on to him as if my life depended on it. We stood & cried for what seemed like hours, but wasn't. We stood there silently, sobbing, holding each other. Then we left. I cried the whole ride home.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
I plan on spending a lot of time there tomorrow. I don't think the Hubby will want to, but I NEED to. I need to sit there & grieve. Very raely do I lose it & when I do it is bad. So, I am getting my drinking in tonight my friends. Why tonight & not tomorrow? Well, you see, I can't drink when I take my "high octane" pills as I like to call them. That little extra to calm me down when I can't calm myself down. I have this funny feeling I will need them in a ddition to the anxiety drugs I am already on since Robert's death.
After we go wish Bubby Happy Birthday my dear sister-in-law has offered to take me out for a pedi. Hopefully getting out of the house & getting pampered will help me forget even for the littest bit what a sad day tomorrow is.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I am really struggling with people who have kids that, well shouldn't. Kinda like the Octomom. Have you seen her "preview" on the web about her new reality show. She finally admits she is selfish & was only thinking about herself when she had all of her embryos implanted. Wasn't thinking about her older children, how they would be affected, or even the babies she was carrying!!!
I also have a BIG problem with Dr. Drew's Mtv show "16 & Pregnant." Now I have never watched it, but I am sorry paying a high school sophomore to be followed around during their pregnancy & glamorizing pre-marital & unprotected sex really isn't a good idea. Sure I had sex before marriage, & I also have a dear friend who got pregnant our senior year in high school. I wasn't married when the Hubby & I got pregnant with our Princess, but I was in my 30's, he had already asked me to marry him & we both knew we were getting married & wanted to be together. My gf from HS, she was lucky. She had a Great support system, finished HS & went to college. Was a struggling single Mom for a looooong time & was blessed to find a great guy that she married a few years ago & her son graduated HS this year!
Finally why I am so bitter this couple is having another baby.....I know, I know I will probably get a bunch of comments after this blog (which when you think about it is really sad b/c people will bash me yet not comment on the other things I've said up till now....hmmmmmm). Anyway, I am so mad because this couple is very immature, both are in their mid-20's & she is very insecure when it comes to him being around other women & he is too worried he won't get head ever again if he stands up for himself & tells her to knock the jealousy off, but whines about her behind her back!. They have one child together & one that she was pregnant with when they met & married....we'll save that story for another day. These are friends that are all about appearance. You all have friends like that, the ones who have to have designers clothes, bags, expensive cars.....you know what I'm talking about, I know you have a friend like that. They spend beyond their means, care more about buying new things for themselves than for their kids.
In a nutshell I guess I hurt because I can't have another child. I actually got the nerve to brooch this subject with the Hubby about a month ago. He got upset with me because I was crying for no reason, again.
Me: "Hey! I'm emotional you knew that before you married me! Those 2 little blue pills I take everyday don't make me happy & spit rainbows out my butt! They keep me from having panic attacks every 2 mins - got it! " (Hmmm maybe being bitchy was me being enough of my old self to end this conversation......hahahaha I'm NOT that lucky).
Hubby: "Well what's wrong then?"
Me: "I'm crying because we can NEVER have another baby & I want to have another baby!"
Hubby: tears well up in his eyes
Me: (damn it! I knew you would do this! This is why I cry & Don't tell you what's wrong)
Hubby: "Babe, we can't replace Robert."
Me: "I don't want to replace him. I could never replace him, but I want another baby."
Hubby: "You know we can't"
Me: "I know, that's why I am crying. I didn't want you to get that damn vasectomy. That's why I cried everyday from the time you made the appointment to do it!!"
Bitter? Why yes, yes I am about lots of things.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Me: "Please God, I know we areon a break right now, but you have to be with K, J, & M. I can't bear to have them go through anything close to what I am dealing with. So, if you could please make sure M is OK & that K & J know everything will be OK. Thanks."
I didn't even wait for an answer.....I pulled the sheets over my head & tried to go to sleep.
My little Princess woke the Hubby & I up this morning "Daddy. DADDY!!!!! Can you put TV on for me? PLEEEEEEASE!" Daddy just rolled over & snored.....guess I'm getting up. I got out of bed put the TV on & stumble back into bed. I hadn't slept well & wasn't felling all that good on top of everything. About an hour later I got up, fed the kids & called K. She didn't answer her phone. OK that could be good or bad.......please let it be good, you know like they were up late at the ER & are home now sleeping after a long night. PLEEEEEEEASE! (hey it works for Princess B, why can't I try, right?)
I go about my day, worried. Worried about little M. Worried that since technically God & I are still on a break my prayer had gone right to his voicemail & he'd get to it later. Ugh! Then finally my phone rings "oh you so crazy. she's like baby. I'm like Swayze. I said ewww & I'm burning up so let's turn it up. I said turn it up now......" I dive across the living room & grab my phone before NKOTB get to finish "Dirty Dancing".
K : "we're home.........M's OK....."
Me: "Oh thank GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sunday, August 2, 2009
/ˌænəˈvɜrsəri/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [an-uh-vur-suh-ree] Show IPA noun, plural -ries, adjective
1. the yearly recurrence of the date of a past event: the tenth anniversary of their marriage.
2. the celebration or commemoration of such a date.
4. returning or recurring each year; annual.
5. pertaining to an anniversary: an anniversary gift. Abbreviation: anniv.
c.1230, from L. anniversarius "returning annually," from annus "year" (see annual) + versus, pp. of vertere "to turn" (see versus). The adj. came to be used as a noun in Church L. as anniversaria (dies) in ref. to saints' days.
Don't even get me started with all the other anniversaries that are coming soon. I try not to think about them. I'm sure you'll read all about it soon enough. Blogging has become my free therapy sessions. So I guess our time is up for this session. See you next time!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Joe on the other hand knew exactly what he wanted & went right out to get. He came home from work one & had Robert's name & birthday on his inside right wrist. While he was there he asked about their portrait artist since he knew I really want a portrait. His artist said they have a female artist that does great portrait work. OK let's see her work http://www.explosivetattoo.com/artists/deirde.html That's it I am sold!
I go in & drop off my ideas to her, leave my deposit & wait, & wait, & wait. I know what I want is a lot of work, but I want my tattoo already!!!!! A few weeks later I drop in on a Sat (she only works Sat & Sun). Deirdre had my line drawing done.....OMG it was perfect. I cried, she cried. I haven't even gotten it yet & I know it is perfect. So let's make my appointment, by the way, did I tell you I was going on vacation for 2 weeks.........................um NO. Alright, tell me what you have. Sat, May 16th...that won't work. That's the day of the All Ranks Ball.....grrrr (I had really wanted to have the tattoo already done by then). Next available day is Sun, May 24th. That'll work!
A few days before my appointment Joe gets a call about OT. OT that is worth a lot of $$$$$, but it starts May 24th 8am.....GRRRRRRRRRRR. I really wanted Joe with me. The last tattoo I got was on my foot & I was not a good client!!! I broke out into a cold sweat, my foot was shaking so bad my artist had to stop to put my toe ring back on b/c it was starting to slide off my toe &I said the F word the entire time!! (all 10 mins it took to get the tattoo). Great, what am I going to do now? This one is going to take at least 3 hours. I can't go by myself. This is going to be a painful day, in many ways & I can't do it alone (I'm not that strong ~ remember). I send an urgent text out to my 2 BFF's. Heather responds immediately. She'll be there! SWEET.
The day is finally here. Heather picks me up & we head over to Explosive Tattoo. We're a little early,but that is OK ~ gives us time to chat. Heather & I go in & Deirdre starts to make my stencil. It takes her a while, but it's b/c she wants it to be perfect (I knew she was the right choice!!). She sets up her room & Heather & I head in. The rest is pretty boring so I won't share everything that happened for the next 3 1/2 hours. Here are the highlights. It hurt & Heather informed me that I was doing my labor breathing....LOL. (I don't do that HEHEHE HAAAAHH BS. I take nice loooooong deeeeeep breaths) We only took one break, to change out the needle for shading & restart the CD player ~ Deirdre listens to some awesome tunes when she works! Heather decided she wanted some new ink while she was there, I didn't need her she said, apparently I was being an excellent client & sitting great.....hmmm who knew?!?! Heather goes off & gets a cool turtle on her ankle & comes back...I'm still not done, Yikes! A few more touches & Deirdre is finished. Heather & Deirdre both are talking about how good it turned out, how much it looks JUST like Robert....OK WHEN DO I GET TO SEE IT????!!! LOL So Deirdre hands me a mirror & I turn around to see this ~
The detail is AMAZING! His eyelashes, the scar on his lip, even his hair........I was speechless (& if you know me well you know that me being speechless NEVER happens). I hugged Deirdre. She had given me everything I had wanted & more in this tattoo. The day after I got it I must have gotten at least 5 compliments from strangers at how beautiful it is. Even last Fri. We went to Wildwood for the day. I was waiting in line for a kiddie ride with Bri & I could hear the Mother behind me taking to her son about how pretty the angel baby was on my back *sigh* That is exactly what I wanted. Whether people say something to me about it or just talk about it to someone else, my undying love for Robert is out there for the whole world to see.
I love you Bubby, FOREVER! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
My husband is in the military. In April 2007 he got orders to spend 12 months on Iraq. I was 3 months pregnant with Robert at the time. We had just bought our 1st home a few weeks earlier. From the moment he told me he was going to war I started to plan my husband's funeral. Why you ask? Because I am realistic. I had to be prepared if the worst happened. Life goes on. 4,316 of our soldiers have given their life as of today for their country. They & their families know that is a possibility if you are in the military at this time. Everyday to I prayed "Please God, let him come home & meet his son." Maybe I should have been more specific.
Tomorrow I take my Princess to her end of year dance recital. Will I want to be there, not really. I'd rather spend it at my baby's grave, but will I take her to her recital with the biggest smile on my face, of course. Life goes on, right? All day I will think about Robert's funeral. How 6 months ago to the day, I had to stand for 2 1/2 hours in front on my sons small casket. Listen to my pastor give my 14 1/2 month old son's funeral. Then stand with my husband as we opened Robert's casket so I could cover him snugly with a blanket. Kiss him one last time & watch 4 of our dear friends in their Military dress uniforms carry my baby to the hearse. Life goes on.......