Monday, September 28, 2009

What will the day have in store for me?

Tomorrow should have been Robert's 2nd birthday.  I am really scared of tomorrow.  How will I react?  Just seeing pics from one of my friends son's 2nd bday party had me a sobbing mess.  Tomorrow will also be the first time I will be at Robert's grave without the kids.  Just the Hubby and I.  That could be bad....really, really bad.  Usually when we go I obsessivly clean off Robert's head stone.  Then the Hubby starts losing it so I go to the other end of Robert's row & start to obsessivly clean Preston's head stone (Preston is one of the Hubby's Army buddies who 3 months after they came home from Iraq died in a motorcycle accident ~ we burried him on the Hubby & Princess B's bday).  After I have cleaned his head stone I head back towards Robert's, but go a row behind & start to clean another of the Hubby Army buddies (he died from head trama after a fist fight).  Needless to say I usually try & keep myself busy when we go to the Veteran's Cemetary where my baby is.
I plan on spending a lot of time there tomorrow.  I don't think the Hubby will want to, but I NEED to.  I need to sit there & grieve.  Very raely do I lose it & when I do it is bad.  So, I am getting my drinking in tonight my friends.  Why tonight & not tomorrow?  Well, you see, I can't drink when I take my "high octane" pills as I like to call them.  That little extra to calm me down when I can't calm myself down.  I have this funny feeling I will need them in a ddition to the anxiety drugs I am already on since Robert's death.
After we go wish Bubby Happy Birthday my dear sister-in-law has offered to take me out for a pedi.  Hopefully getting out of the house & getting pampered will help me forget even for the littest bit what a sad day tomorrow is.


  1. Thinking of you on Robert's birthday. I hope you are able to find some peace in your hearts today and some comfort in the memories of your sweet, sweet boy.

    Lorri Caffrey

  2. Hi,

    Hope you were able to find some peace today on Robert's birthday.

    I just found your blog and have read all your posts. I shed more than a few tears as I read about your journey.

    We also lost our 19 1/2 month son Alexander to SUDC in December 2008. I could relate to so many of the things you wrote.

    Be gentle on yourself. Keep writing.


  3. I know that people will say to you that time will help you heal!!! I say BullSh*t!!! Will time bring him back? NO so it will not make this better or easier but you will gain the ability over time to learn how to cope and how to come to terms with it. Then you can start to celebrate Roberts life and not grieve his loss! I will never tell you it will be ok but if you need to vent and rant and scream out loud I am here (drabbito on pp) and I do not think I could ever understand what it is you have been through but I understand that you will need support to take it day by day until the good days out number the bad.....

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what hell you had to go through, no parent should have to.
    I wish I had something more valid to say, something that could take away your pain. But I really can't, I don't know what to say except that I wish you well and I hope your heart will heal a little with time (though I doubt it ever will really)

    kind regards