Wednesday, July 29, 2009

It's going to be one of Those days!

Went to see my Dr, again, on Mon. We've been trying to find the right combination of meds to help with my panic/anxiety as well as my insomnia. So far so good except for the whole lack of sleep issue. I've been able to function on very little sleep many other times. Back in my mid-twenty BFF & I would go out dancing till 3 am, go over to Philly Diner for some yummy, greasy food to soak up all the beer & shots we'd had at Iguana. Then proceed to get up bright and early to go into work & then do it all over again; night after night all week long! I'm also the one who would get up every 2-3 hours with kids to feed them at night. Joe would be working a lot, or in F ' ing Iraq so I HAD to function on minimal sleep. But lately I just can't do it. Don't go telling me "You're not as young as you used to be." No kidding! I have enough hair dye in my closet to keep the secret that I am VERY GRAY for a long time! Me & lack of sleep has not made for a happy household either. I am even bitchier than usual (yeah I know hard to believe, but it is true ~ I am even worse) & have an extremely short fuse too! Let's hope this new sleep med helps because if it doesn't I may have to go back to the drinking all night & dancing on the boat/bar; followed by lots of greasy food to function again!
***Identities have been changed to protect the guilty! ;)

Friday, July 24, 2009

In Loving Memory

I had decided while Joe was deployed that if God forbid something had happened to him in Iraq I was going to get his portrait tattooed on me somewhere. So,of course,after Robert died I knew I wanted a tattoo to memorialize my precious son, but what? Should I get his portrait, if I do I need to find someone good. Kat Von D, that's who I want to do it. No, that won't happen. I want it soon & she is in LA & I'm sure super expensive b/c she is sooooo AMAZING. OK, back to the drawing board. *sigh*

Joe on the other hand knew exactly what he wanted & went right out to get. He came home from work one & had Robert's name & birthday on his inside right wrist. While he was there he asked about their portrait artist since he knew I really want a portrait. His artist said they have a female artist that does great portrait work. OK let's see her work That's it I am sold!

I go in & drop off my ideas to her, leave my deposit & wait, & wait, & wait. I know what I want is a lot of work, but I want my tattoo already!!!!! A few weeks later I drop in on a Sat (she only works Sat & Sun). Deirdre had my line drawing done.....OMG it was perfect. I cried, she cried. I haven't even gotten it yet & I know it is perfect. So let's make my appointment, by the way, did I tell you I was going on vacation for 2 NO. Alright, tell me what you have. Sat, May 16th...that won't work. That's the day of the All Ranks Ball.....grrrr (I had really wanted to have the tattoo already done by then). Next available day is Sun, May 24th. That'll work!

A few days before my appointment Joe gets a call about OT. OT that is worth a lot of $$$$$, but it starts May 24th 8am.....GRRRRRRRRRRR. I really wanted Joe with me. The last tattoo I got was on my foot & I was not a good client!!! I broke out into a cold sweat, my foot was shaking so bad my artist had to stop to put my toe ring back on b/c it was starting to slide off my toe &I said the F word the entire time!! (all 10 mins it took to get the tattoo). Great, what am I going to do now? This one is going to take at least 3 hours. I can't go by myself. This is going to be a painful day, in many ways & I can't do it alone (I'm not that strong ~ remember). I send an urgent text out to my 2 BFF's. Heather responds immediately. She'll be there! SWEET.

The day is finally here. Heather picks me up & we head over to Explosive Tattoo. We're a little early,but that is OK ~ gives us time to chat. Heather & I go in & Deirdre starts to make my stencil. It takes her a while, but it's b/c she wants it to be perfect (I knew she was the right choice!!). She sets up her room & Heather & I head in. The rest is pretty boring so I won't share everything that happened for the next 3 1/2 hours. Here are the highlights. It hurt & Heather informed me that I was doing my labor breathing....LOL. (I don't do that HEHEHE HAAAAHH BS. I take nice loooooong deeeeeep breaths) We only took one break, to change out the needle for shading & restart the CD player ~ Deirdre listens to some awesome tunes when she works! Heather decided she wanted some new ink while she was there, I didn't need her she said, apparently I was being an excellent client & sitting great.....hmmm who knew?!?! Heather goes off & gets a cool turtle on her ankle & comes back...I'm still not done, Yikes! A few more touches & Deirdre is finished. Heather & Deirdre both are talking about how good it turned out, how much it looks JUST like Robert....OK WHEN DO I GET TO SEE IT????!!! LOL So Deirdre hands me a mirror & I turn around to see this ~

The detail is AMAZING! His eyelashes, the scar on his lip, even his hair........I was speechless (& if you know me well you know that me being speechless NEVER happens). I hugged Deirdre. She had given me everything I had wanted & more in this tattoo. The day after I got it I must have gotten at least 5 compliments from strangers at how beautiful it is. Even last Fri. We went to Wildwood for the day. I was waiting in line for a kiddie ride with Bri & I could hear the Mother behind me taking to her son about how pretty the angel baby was on my back *sigh* That is exactly what I wanted. Whether people say something to me about it or just talk about it to someone else, my undying love for Robert is out there for the whole world to see.


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

You Don't Get More Than You Can Handle

Throughout the past 2 years I have often heard "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Well I have a bone to pick with God. I am NOT as strong as he thinks I am! Somehow, I managed to get through my husband's year long tour in Iraq. I had to. I didn't know if I would ever see him again. To this day, I remember the day Joe left for Iraq. Late at night in Sept 2007 I hugged & kissed my husband, he rubbed my h u g e, 9 months pregnant belly, kissed my belly and get on a bus. I can still see his big,goofy grin as he smiled & waved good-bye. I stood there, watched the buses pull out into the darkness & I prayed to God that he would come home safe & our son would get to meet his Daddy. (I would pray that prayer everyday for the next year.) I got into the truck & lost it. I cried the whole way home. 27 days later Robert was born. I'm not so strong.

Now, 7 months after Robert's death I can't seem to "get it together." I'm pretty smart, I know that I am grieving & that everyone grieves differently, but I've had enough. I don't want the panic attacks for no reason. Panic attacks that I shouldn't be getting anymore because of the meds I'm on. Tired of being tired because I can't sleep at night because every time I close my eyes I see Robert in his crib when I found him, or in the hospital on the gurney. I'm starting to get mad, really mad. Mad at my husband because I had to go through another major event alone. Mad at the Army for not letting Joe be home for Robert's birth. Mad at God!

This is how our conversations have been lately:

Me: "Why did Robert have to die?"

God: no response

Me: "Hrmph"

Me: "Guess I should have been more specific when I asked you to bring Joe home safe so Robert could meet him."

God: no response

Me: "grrrrrr"

Me: "I'm a good Mommy, why do I not to get to have my baby still?"

God: no response

Me: sobbing

Me: "I think you & I need a break!!!"

God: no response