I don't know how it happened, but it did. I totally fell off the wagon. I could use the excuse that life got in the way, but really, my friends know I am on-line ALL the TIME!
A lot has happened since my last post. I need to fill you all in.
I will, promise!
Seriously!
In Dec, 2008 we lost our perfectly healthy son Robert to SUDC (Sudden Unknown Death of a Child.) This is not only his story,but mine too. A mother who is without her youngest child & struggles everyday to put on a smile for her daughter, step-son & husband even though my heart is broken.Sometimes things will be funny, sometimes they will break your heart,but I hope that by keeping Robert in not only our hearts,but also yours, his death will not be in vain.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Reflextions & Resolutions
As the new year begins, we often reflect on the year that has just passed. I've never been good at keeping my New Years resolutions, but I am gonna try like I never have before.
So what ARE my resolutions? How much time do you have? OK,OK, seriously I do have a few, but I'll just bore you with the big ones. First is getting back into the healthy lifestyle I lived before Robert died. I am one of those people who have always struggled with weight. I know what I need to do to stay healthy,but the past 2 years I've been in a self loathing mode. Eating & drinking too much. Not exercising at all. I know I can do, I've done it a few times in my life & I always feel so much better physically & emotionally when I am at a healthier weight.
Since I am pregnant, I cannot hit the gym like I'd like, but I will have the healthiest pregnancy to date. I have to. I have been blessed with this baby & I am going to do all I can to achieve that. The doctor has told me I cannot gain more than 20lbs this time around. That is gonna be tough. With both The Princess & Robert I gained 50lbs. When I got pregnant with both of them I was at a weight my body was comfortable with. I was going to the gym a lot. With this baby, I was the heaviest I have ever been in my life, well over 200lbs. I had actually lost a little bit of weight right before I found out about this little Jelly Bean,but still weighted more then I did both times I delivered. It's gonna be tough, but this is a big one I need to keep.
Another resolution is more of a goal. Last year I decided I wanted to run a 5k...well a 5k in Walt Disney World. I let my grief, depression & anxiety run my life.I know this is not something that I may accomplish before 2011 ends, but I want to be on my way to achieving it. Once the baby is born, diet, exercise & training will be #1 ~ after family of course!
Lastly, I want to be a better blogger. Blogging has been such wonderful & Free therapy for me. Through blogging I have found some wonderful people out there on the Internet who have given me such hope & encouragement. If I can help someone by sharing my story the way my Internet friends have helped me this will all be worth it.
So what ARE my resolutions? How much time do you have? OK,OK, seriously I do have a few, but I'll just bore you with the big ones. First is getting back into the healthy lifestyle I lived before Robert died. I am one of those people who have always struggled with weight. I know what I need to do to stay healthy,but the past 2 years I've been in a self loathing mode. Eating & drinking too much. Not exercising at all. I know I can do, I've done it a few times in my life & I always feel so much better physically & emotionally when I am at a healthier weight.
Since I am pregnant, I cannot hit the gym like I'd like, but I will have the healthiest pregnancy to date. I have to. I have been blessed with this baby & I am going to do all I can to achieve that. The doctor has told me I cannot gain more than 20lbs this time around. That is gonna be tough. With both The Princess & Robert I gained 50lbs. When I got pregnant with both of them I was at a weight my body was comfortable with. I was going to the gym a lot. With this baby, I was the heaviest I have ever been in my life, well over 200lbs. I had actually lost a little bit of weight right before I found out about this little Jelly Bean,but still weighted more then I did both times I delivered. It's gonna be tough, but this is a big one I need to keep.
Another resolution is more of a goal. Last year I decided I wanted to run a 5k...well a 5k in Walt Disney World. I let my grief, depression & anxiety run my life.I know this is not something that I may accomplish before 2011 ends, but I want to be on my way to achieving it. Once the baby is born, diet, exercise & training will be #1 ~ after family of course!
Lastly, I want to be a better blogger. Blogging has been such wonderful & Free therapy for me. Through blogging I have found some wonderful people out there on the Internet who have given me such hope & encouragement. If I can help someone by sharing my story the way my Internet friends have helped me this will all be worth it.
Monday, November 29, 2010
MIA
It's been too long since I blogged. Part of the reason was it was a VERY emotional few months. My hardest time of the year is Sept-Dec, so much happened in those last few months of Robert's life & I still struggle to get through this time of year almost 2 years after his death.
Another reason I have been away is my laptop was acting wonky, so I asked my Dad to have his friend take a look at it. It's been in his care for a while now, so I am guessing it was worse off then I imagined. Today I am using my Hubby's laptop, but my photos are all on mine ~ another reason I haven't blogged like I'd like.
I have a lot to catch up on & I will soon ~ hopefully. just waiting on the laptop to return home.
Another reason I have been away is my laptop was acting wonky, so I asked my Dad to have his friend take a look at it. It's been in his care for a while now, so I am guessing it was worse off then I imagined. Today I am using my Hubby's laptop, but my photos are all on mine ~ another reason I haven't blogged like I'd like.
I have a lot to catch up on & I will soon ~ hopefully. just waiting on the laptop to return home.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
I have a confession...
I am a liar!
Everyone tells me how strong I am. The truth is I am a great actress.
Everyday I have to drag myself out of bed. I would much rather sleep the day away. Waiting for my beloved son to appear in my dreams.
Lie ~ When I am asked "how are you doing?" I always answer "fine" or "OK"
Truth ~ There is a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. I continue to cry myself or medicate myself to sleep at night. When I can't deal with something I medicate to sleep ¬ have to deal with it.
Lie ~ I finally found meds that work.
Truth ~ Nope! Sure I don't cry all day long, now I am pretty numb, but they sure do make it easier for me to fake my way through the day.
Lie ~ I've accepted that I will never know why or how Robert died. I obsess about it.
Truth ~ I continue to have panic attacks every Sunday morning when I wake up. I dream & think about the last few moments when I know he was alive.
Lie ~ I put on a good show.
Truth ~ My Hubby told me 2 days ago "...not to let it (my grief) ruin our life together. You still have to live!" Guess I am not getting that Oscar this year {sigh}
Everyone tells me how strong I am. The truth is I am a great actress.
Everyday I have to drag myself out of bed. I would much rather sleep the day away. Waiting for my beloved son to appear in my dreams.
Lie ~ When I am asked "how are you doing?" I always answer "fine" or "OK"
Truth ~ There is a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. I continue to cry myself or medicate myself to sleep at night. When I can't deal with something I medicate to sleep ¬ have to deal with it.
Lie ~ I finally found meds that work.
Truth ~ Nope! Sure I don't cry all day long, now I am pretty numb, but they sure do make it easier for me to fake my way through the day.
Lie ~ I've accepted that I will never know why or how Robert died. I obsess about it.
Truth ~ I continue to have panic attacks every Sunday morning when I wake up. I dream & think about the last few moments when I know he was alive.
Lie ~ I put on a good show.
Truth ~ My Hubby told me 2 days ago "...not to let it (my grief) ruin our life together. You still have to live!" Guess I am not getting that Oscar this year {sigh}
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Life Goes On.....
Someone had the Nerve to say that to me today. "Life does go on." Is it the same life, absolutely NOT. My life turned upside down 6 months ago. Do you know what I did 2 weeks before Christmas of 2008? I had to go to the mall with my best friend & Robert's Godmother to pick out something to bury my son in. Make decisions that no mother should have to make. Make decisions by myself because my husband had to leave the room because he couldn't handle it any more. Life goes on; decisions have to be made. Was I happy about it, Hell No! Did I do it? Yes, if I didn't who would?
My husband is in the military. In April 2007 he got orders to spend 12 months on Iraq. I was 3 months pregnant with Robert at the time. We had just bought our 1st home a few weeks earlier. From the moment he told me he was going to war I started to plan my husband's funeral. Why you ask? Because I am realistic. I had to be prepared if the worst happened. Life goes on. 4,316 of our soldiers have given their life as of today for their country. They & their families know that is a possibility if you are in the military at this time. Everyday to I prayed "Please God, let him come home & meet his son." Maybe I should have been more specific.
Tomorrow I take my Princess to her end of year dance recital. Will I want to be there, not really. I'd rather spend it at my baby's grave, but will I take her to her recital with the biggest smile on my face, of course. Life goes on, right? All day I will think about Robert's funeral. How 6 months ago to the day, I had to stand for 2 1/2 hours in front on my sons small casket. Listen to my pastor give my 14 1/2 month old son's funeral. Then stand with my husband as we opened Robert's casket so I could cover him snugly with a blanket. Kiss him one last time & watch 4 of our dear friends in their Military dress uniforms carry my baby to the hearse. Life goes on.......
My husband is in the military. In April 2007 he got orders to spend 12 months on Iraq. I was 3 months pregnant with Robert at the time. We had just bought our 1st home a few weeks earlier. From the moment he told me he was going to war I started to plan my husband's funeral. Why you ask? Because I am realistic. I had to be prepared if the worst happened. Life goes on. 4,316 of our soldiers have given their life as of today for their country. They & their families know that is a possibility if you are in the military at this time. Everyday to I prayed "Please God, let him come home & meet his son." Maybe I should have been more specific.
Tomorrow I take my Princess to her end of year dance recital. Will I want to be there, not really. I'd rather spend it at my baby's grave, but will I take her to her recital with the biggest smile on my face, of course. Life goes on, right? All day I will think about Robert's funeral. How 6 months ago to the day, I had to stand for 2 1/2 hours in front on my sons small casket. Listen to my pastor give my 14 1/2 month old son's funeral. Then stand with my husband as we opened Robert's casket so I could cover him snugly with a blanket. Kiss him one last time & watch 4 of our dear friends in their Military dress uniforms carry my baby to the hearse. Life goes on.......
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