I have a confession...

I am a liar!


Everyone tells me how strong I am.  The truth is I am a great actress. 


Everyday I have to drag myself out of bed.  I would much rather sleep the day away.  Waiting for my beloved son to appear in my dreams.


Lie ~ When I am asked "how are you doing?" I always answer "fine" or "OK" 
Truth ~ There is a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. I continue to cry myself or medicate myself to sleep at night. When I can't deal with something I medicate to sleep &not have to deal with it.


Lie ~ I finally found meds that work. 
Truth ~ Nope!  Sure I don't cry all day long, now I am pretty numb, but they sure do make it easier for me to fake my way through the day.



Lie ~ I've accepted that I will never know why or how Robert died.  I obsess about it. 
Truth ~ I continue to have panic attacks every Sunday morning when I wake up. I dream & think about the last few moments when I know he was alive. 


Lie ~ I put on a good show.
Truth ~ My Hubby told me 2 days ago "...not to let it (my grief) ruin our life together. You still have to live!"  Guess I am not getting that Oscar this year {sigh}