Thursday, September 16, 2010


Have you ever thought about a circle?  We learn about circles early on.  In Kindergarden one of the first shapes we learn is a circle.  When we start to draw, a circle is one of the first things we use to express who we are (insert every child's self portrait of a smiley face here).  Most wedding vows talk about how the weding ring in a circle ~ no beginning & no end.  Depression is also a circle.

When Robert died I was in shock, a Zombie.  I refused to eat or sleep.  All the "little ones" knew something was wrong & were always with me.

I then moved on the Robot mode.  I got out of bed.  I did all the normal "Mom & Wife duties." Inside I was screaming at God.

As the days went it was harder to put on the act that everything was OK.  Panic attacks became the norm, sometimes lasting an hour at a time.  The meds weren't helping.  The alcohol didn't help.  Constantly reliving the day Robert died every time I closed my eyes sure as hell didn't help.

I got a lot worse before I got better.  Not that I AM better, because I will never be better. 

My meds seem to have my panic under control ~ for the most part.  I still have flashes of the day my world was turned upside down.  I thought I was headed in an upward direction.

It is almost Robert's 3rd birthday & I am falling back into the bottomless pit of anger, sadness, regret, guilt.

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