Today is only December 1st & I am already an emotional basket case. Not that is a surprise to some of you (yes I am the one who cries at the Folgers Christmas commercial. You know the one where the brother comes home & surprsies the family by making coffee early in the morning!).
Usually I put ALL ofmy Christmas stuff up the day after Thanksgiving. Sometimes I've even put the tree up before the dessert dishes are cleared on Thanksgiving. Not this year. I have ZERO Christmas spirit. Last year Christmas was easier because I was still in a fog of WTF happened?!? I can't believe my son is dead. Not so much this year. Reality has set in & I have NO Friggin idea how to get through this month.
I know everyone greives differently & in their own time. I just hope I can get through this month. Get through this 1st anniversary. Get through Christmas.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Happy Birthday Bubby!
Robert's 2nd birthday was a day of ups and downs. I knew it would be. Luckily there were more smiles than tears. The Hubby & I went to Robert's grave. We had to stop & get flowers. Normally I make an arrangement myself. I go & get some artifical flowers & put something together, but I wanted real flowers for this day; it was a special day. We went in together, but I couldn't pick anything. Yep, I made the Hubby do it. He picked out a small arrangement with lots of white flowers & a few blueish purple flowers. The florist cut them down for us, but when she asked me if they were for something special I lost it. "Our son's 2nd birthday" I spit out between sobs. She replied "Those are the hardest, I'm sorry. Do you want something to add for his birthday?" I already had a small balloon I planned on placing in the flowers so I politely declined.
Once we got to the Veterans Cemetary my knees got weak. I clutched the flowers and walked behind the Hubby to where our son is. I took out the old flowers that I had put in the vase the last time I was there. I put Bubby's birthday flowers in the vase then placed the lobster I bought back in June when we went on vacation to Maine & the Goofy from his 1st birthday cake. After last I lost it. Seriously. Crying so loud that people that were staring at me. Screaming on the inside & then I said it "I hate you God!" I said it in my head, but I said it & I ment it at that moment. The Hubby pulled me in close & I held on to him as if my life depended on it. We stood & cried for what seemed like hours, but wasn't. We stood there silently, sobbing, holding each other. Then we left. I cried the whole ride home.
Once we got to the Veterans Cemetary my knees got weak. I clutched the flowers and walked behind the Hubby to where our son is. I took out the old flowers that I had put in the vase the last time I was there. I put Bubby's birthday flowers in the vase then placed the lobster I bought back in June when we went on vacation to Maine & the Goofy from his 1st birthday cake. After last I lost it. Seriously. Crying so loud that people that were staring at me. Screaming on the inside & then I said it "I hate you God!" I said it in my head, but I said it & I ment it at that moment. The Hubby pulled me in close & I held on to him as if my life depended on it. We stood & cried for what seemed like hours, but wasn't. We stood there silently, sobbing, holding each other. Then we left. I cried the whole ride home.
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