Welcome to the Club

Two years ago today, I got the awful news that one of my HS friends had lost their young son to his heart defect. Zachary was 8 months old.  I cried & I cried & snuggled a little extra with Robert that day.  I remember telling the friend who told me the sad news "Oh my God!  I can't even imagine how they feel. I would just curl up in a ball & die. This is so unfair."  I wanted to go the Zach's funeral, but as a Mom of a 14 & 1/2 month old I KNEW I would not be able to see the little coffin or have the words for my friend & his wife.

One week later I became a fellow member of the Club.  The club that NO ONE wants to get acceptance into.  I was overwhelmed with guilt for not going to Zach's funeral.  How could I be so selfish.  It wasn't about me, I should have been there for my friend.

Irony & god have a funny sense of humor I've learned in the past 2 years.

~  Zach & Robert died 1 week apart.
~  Zach & Robert were buried 1 week apart.
~  Robert died 1 week after we had all gone to the Hubby's military Christmas party.
~  Robert was buried 1 week before Christmas.
~  Robert died the day after his cousin's birthday party.
~  1 week before our first big fundraiser in Robert's memory I went to Zach's benefit.

My heart goes out to my "Sister" & "Brother" today. 

It was bound to happen

My memories of the day Robert died fall into 2 catagories, those that are burned into  mind forever & those that are kinda fuzzy ~ like looking through smugged glasses.  I am VERY thankful for the smugged ones.  They are no where near as stressful to me as the ones that are clear.  There were SO many cops, paramedics, family, detectives in the house it was crazy.  I remember some of the people who showed up at the hospital, but wouldn't know the hospital staff that helped us if I ran into them again.

But, one person's face I will never forget is the first cop through the door that morning.  As I type my mind is replaying the seconds that it took him to get from his car to the door.  How I handed Robert to him & all I could get out was "help him."  After the cop gave Robert to the paramedics he was in the hallway, between my bedroom (where the Princess was) & the bathroom.  I shoved him out of the way as I ran into the bathroom to vomit as I heard the paramedics say words I'd heard on CSI & NCIS.  I knew what they were saying, Robert was too far gone for them to do anything.  Poor Princess, she thought the cop had shoved me because I fell on my way into the bathroom & then crawled to the toilet.  she was afraid of anyone in uniform for a long time.

At some point when we were at the hospital, waiting, I heard my Hubby tell his First Sergant "Cooper was the first one in."

"You know him" I asked the Hubby.

"Yeah, he is in the Unit." Hubby replyed.

Fuck!  I will see this cop all the time.  How the hell am I gonna do that?

It's been almost 2 years since I saw Cooper, in person anyway.  I saw him yesterday at the Hubby's Holiday Meal.  I lost it.  As soon as I saw his face I KNEW it was him.  I could barely get the words out to ask the Hubby if that was the right Cooper (there are a few in the Unit), but I knew.  I couldn't stop crying & panic started to set in ~ bad. I will never forget Cooper's face.

Wordless Wednesday

MIA

It's been too long since I blogged.  Part of the reason was it was a VERY emotional few months.  My hardest time of the year is Sept-Dec, so much happened in those last few months of Robert's life & I still struggle to get through this time of year almost 2 years after his death.

Another reason I have been away is my laptop was acting wonky, so I asked my Dad to have his friend take a look at it.  It's been in his care for a while now, so I am guessing it was worse off then I imagined.  Today I am using my Hubby's laptop, but my photos are all on mine ~ another reason I haven't blogged like I'd like.

I have a lot to catch up on & I will soon ~ hopefully.  just waiting on the laptop to return home.

Wordless Wednesday

And so it begins

Tomorrow is Robert's 3rd birthday, but I am already a hot mess!  Today started out with tears & anxiety.  If I am this bad today, what will I be like tomorrow?

Last year was pretty low key, but this year I decided we should have a birthday party for our angel.  Maybe that was a bad idea ~ only time will tell.  I thought it would be good for the "babies" (Bubby's brother, sister & his cousins).  So we will be BBQing, having bday cake & sending balloons to heaven for Robert's party there.

Hopefully I can make it through tomorrow.

Birthday Blues

It's 4 days until Robert's 3rd birthday.  I'm kinda on pins & needles, waiting to see how I will react.

Last night we had Princess B's birthday party.  I felt like such a loser Mommy!  I didn't do anything grand. All I did was throw together a crappy looking cake (I usually make her a kick ass Wilton shaped cake that matches her bday theme).  Grabbed some birthday decorations from Dollar Tree & a couple of balloons hung from the tree out front, that popped even before the party started. {sigh}.

All she wanted was to go to Famous Dave's BBQ for supper & that's what we did.  There were 13 of us & she had a good time.  I got drunk on Octoberfest ~ thank you Sam Adams for making a damn good beer!

After supper some of the family came back here for neon pink birthday cake.  We sang "Happy Birthday" & after she blew out her candles, Princess B proclaims "Today was the Best birthday EVER!!"  Maybe I am a good Mommy after all!