New Year ~ New Beginings

All my blogger friends are doing "A Year in Review."  Wish I had gotten that memo I might have had something Epic to write.  I have an jackhammer type headache so I probably won't be as funny as I could be, but here goes.

2010 ~ will I miss you? Yes & No.  You were filled with some pretty awesome times & some that totally sucked ass!!  I'll try & focus on the positive.

The beginning of 2010 was crazy, but in that full of the awesome kinda way.  we had our first Big fundraiser for SUDC in Robert's memory & we totally kicked ass ~ like raised well over $10,000 in one night at the Beef & Beer.  we also had another cornhole tournament that raised a boat load of money too!  Have I told you guys how much my friends kick ass?  OK MY FRIENDS ROCK!!!  We could not have done either one without them@

I went away on a Girls Only Trip to Walt Disney World with one of my best friends in the spring & it was wonderful.  Disney is my Happy Place ~ I really wanna live there, but sadly they won't let me.  While I missed my Hubby & the Princess tons, it was nice to have some Me time.  Some thing I have kinda neglected lately.

For our family vacation this year we went on a Real Family vacation (my Whole family!!).  We went to Maine, just like when we younger.  My parents, my sister  (her boy friend & my 2 nephews), me, Hubby, The Princess & my step-son all in one cabin on Sebec Lake, Maine.  I loved sharing one of my favorite place with my family.  Not to mention all the Lobster ~ OMFG (I am drooling just thinking about it).

The Fall gave us the biggest surprise of all.  I am pregnant! The Hubby & I were in shock for a while, but now that I am in my second trimester we are over the moon with excitement.  Even the Princess is excited.  Just today at the Farmer's Market she kissed my baby bump while we were waiting for our number to be called at the meat counter.

I am looking forward to what 2011 has in store for us.  I'm sure it will be crazy & emotional, but I am ready for  whatever it has in store for me.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Traditions from Sorrow

2 years ago yesterday we buried my little boy. I had not even realized what day it was until we were at the mall turning in our Salvation Army Angel Tree gifts.  A tradition that was born when I was at the mall looking for a dress to wear to my son's funeral.

We walked out of Penny's & there was the Angel Tree.  The fist tag I saw was for a little boy Robert's age.  I immediately took it off the tree.  I had bought a ton of new clothes & lots of toys for Robert.  We returned a few days later with a Huge contractors bag filled with gifts for this little boy.  At least I knew someone was going to have a Merry Christmas that year.

We had been "adopting" an Angel from the Salvation Army Tree for about 3 years before that day.  My step-son's school had a tree in their lobby & we always picked a little boy that was the same age he was at the time.  I would take my step-son & the Princess with me when we went shopping for the angel.  I always wanted them to know that Christmas was not just about getting, but giving as well.

This tradition was different.  I always pick a little boy who is the same age Robert would be on that Christmas.  We give the gifts in memory of Robert & that is always how I fill out the donation card.

My heart beamed when this year the Princess said to me "Mommy I wanna give the bag to the lady at the table."  She lifted the bag that was pretty much as big as she is onto the table & smiled a huge smile.  "Here are Jason's Christmas presents!" 

I started to cry.  I cried for Jason's family; knowing how hard it is to give your children a Merry Christmas & still be able to pay the bills.  I cried because yet again my daughter showed me that I am doing a good job as a parent.  She has an even bigger heart than her Momma & that is just amazing for a 6 year old. 

Most of all I cried for my Bubby.  I should be buying him Christmas presents, picking out a Christmas outfit to match the Princess.  Not picking out flowers for his grave or figuring out what to do for his grave blanket this year.  I pray Jason & his family have a very Merry Christmas this year.

2nd Sunday in December

*sigh*

On the second sunday of December in 2008 Robert did not wake up.

I woke this morning in tears, reliving 2 years ago.

Tonight at 7 pm I light my candle in memory of my son.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting


http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting 7 p.m. second Sunday in December around the globe is to honor and remember children who have died.

Welcome to the Club

Two years ago today, I got the awful news that one of my HS friends had lost their young son to his heart defect. Zachary was 8 months old.  I cried & I cried & snuggled a little extra with Robert that day.  I remember telling the friend who told me the sad news "Oh my God!  I can't even imagine how they feel. I would just curl up in a ball & die. This is so unfair."  I wanted to go the Zach's funeral, but as a Mom of a 14 & 1/2 month old I KNEW I would not be able to see the little coffin or have the words for my friend & his wife.

One week later I became a fellow member of the Club.  The club that NO ONE wants to get acceptance into.  I was overwhelmed with guilt for not going to Zach's funeral.  How could I be so selfish.  It wasn't about me, I should have been there for my friend.

Irony & god have a funny sense of humor I've learned in the past 2 years.

~  Zach & Robert died 1 week apart.
~  Zach & Robert were buried 1 week apart.
~  Robert died 1 week after we had all gone to the Hubby's military Christmas party.
~  Robert was buried 1 week before Christmas.
~  Robert died the day after his cousin's birthday party.
~  1 week before our first big fundraiser in Robert's memory I went to Zach's benefit.

My heart goes out to my "Sister" & "Brother" today. 

It was bound to happen

My memories of the day Robert died fall into 2 catagories, those that are burned into  mind forever & those that are kinda fuzzy ~ like looking through smugged glasses.  I am VERY thankful for the smugged ones.  They are no where near as stressful to me as the ones that are clear.  There were SO many cops, paramedics, family, detectives in the house it was crazy.  I remember some of the people who showed up at the hospital, but wouldn't know the hospital staff that helped us if I ran into them again.

But, one person's face I will never forget is the first cop through the door that morning.  As I type my mind is replaying the seconds that it took him to get from his car to the door.  How I handed Robert to him & all I could get out was "help him."  After the cop gave Robert to the paramedics he was in the hallway, between my bedroom (where the Princess was) & the bathroom.  I shoved him out of the way as I ran into the bathroom to vomit as I heard the paramedics say words I'd heard on CSI & NCIS.  I knew what they were saying, Robert was too far gone for them to do anything.  Poor Princess, she thought the cop had shoved me because I fell on my way into the bathroom & then crawled to the toilet.  she was afraid of anyone in uniform for a long time.

At some point when we were at the hospital, waiting, I heard my Hubby tell his First Sergant "Cooper was the first one in."

"You know him" I asked the Hubby.

"Yeah, he is in the Unit." Hubby replyed.

Fuck!  I will see this cop all the time.  How the hell am I gonna do that?

It's been almost 2 years since I saw Cooper, in person anyway.  I saw him yesterday at the Hubby's Holiday Meal.  I lost it.  As soon as I saw his face I KNEW it was him.  I could barely get the words out to ask the Hubby if that was the right Cooper (there are a few in the Unit), but I knew.  I couldn't stop crying & panic started to set in ~ bad. I will never forget Cooper's face.

Wordless Wednesday

MIA

It's been too long since I blogged.  Part of the reason was it was a VERY emotional few months.  My hardest time of the year is Sept-Dec, so much happened in those last few months of Robert's life & I still struggle to get through this time of year almost 2 years after his death.

Another reason I have been away is my laptop was acting wonky, so I asked my Dad to have his friend take a look at it.  It's been in his care for a while now, so I am guessing it was worse off then I imagined.  Today I am using my Hubby's laptop, but my photos are all on mine ~ another reason I haven't blogged like I'd like.

I have a lot to catch up on & I will soon ~ hopefully.  just waiting on the laptop to return home.

Wordless Wednesday

And so it begins

Tomorrow is Robert's 3rd birthday, but I am already a hot mess!  Today started out with tears & anxiety.  If I am this bad today, what will I be like tomorrow?

Last year was pretty low key, but this year I decided we should have a birthday party for our angel.  Maybe that was a bad idea ~ only time will tell.  I thought it would be good for the "babies" (Bubby's brother, sister & his cousins).  So we will be BBQing, having bday cake & sending balloons to heaven for Robert's party there.

Hopefully I can make it through tomorrow.

Birthday Blues

It's 4 days until Robert's 3rd birthday.  I'm kinda on pins & needles, waiting to see how I will react.

Last night we had Princess B's birthday party.  I felt like such a loser Mommy!  I didn't do anything grand. All I did was throw together a crappy looking cake (I usually make her a kick ass Wilton shaped cake that matches her bday theme).  Grabbed some birthday decorations from Dollar Tree & a couple of balloons hung from the tree out front, that popped even before the party started. {sigh}.

All she wanted was to go to Famous Dave's BBQ for supper & that's what we did.  There were 13 of us & she had a good time.  I got drunk on Octoberfest ~ thank you Sam Adams for making a damn good beer!

After supper some of the family came back here for neon pink birthday cake.  We sang "Happy Birthday" & after she blew out her candles, Princess B proclaims "Today was the Best birthday EVER!!"  Maybe I am a good Mommy after all!

Circles

Have you ever thought about a circle?  We learn about circles early on.  In Kindergarden one of the first shapes we learn is a circle.  When we start to draw, a circle is one of the first things we use to express who we are (insert every child's self portrait of a smiley face here).  Most wedding vows talk about how the weding ring in a circle ~ no beginning & no end.  Depression is also a circle.

When Robert died I was in shock, a Zombie.  I refused to eat or sleep.  All the "little ones" knew something was wrong & were always with me.

I then moved on the Robot mode.  I got out of bed.  I did all the normal "Mom & Wife duties." Inside I was screaming at God.

As the days went it was harder to put on the act that everything was OK.  Panic attacks became the norm, sometimes lasting an hour at a time.  The meds weren't helping.  The alcohol didn't help.  Constantly reliving the day Robert died every time I closed my eyes sure as hell didn't help.

I got a lot worse before I got better.  Not that I AM better, because I will never be better. 

My meds seem to have my panic under control ~ for the most part.  I still have flashes of the day my world was turned upside down.  I thought I was headed in an upward direction.

It is almost Robert's 3rd birthday & I am falling back into the bottomless pit of anger, sadness, regret, guilt.

Seriously?!

Driving today I pass a local church & there on their marquee, mocking me, is "Grief Recovery Class starting 9/9/10 at 7pm".  Are you fucking serious?!?!  I am having one of THOSE days.  The kinda day where everything reminds me of Bubby.  People don't understand how I feel & say stupid things to me ~ a lot.  God & I are still on that break & it was so not nice of him to mock me today!

I'm sorry, but ANYONE who tells you that you can recover from grief is a fool.  The traumatic event that causes your grief changes you forever.  How can you recover from something you have NO CONTROL OVER? 

What will this class teach me?  Pray harder? God only gives you what you can handle?  We don't know what God's plan for us is, but he does? PUSH (Pray Until Something Happens)?  WHATEVER!!

Inspired to start writting again...

I should have known it would end like this
It happens every time I let someone in
I believed the lies
Now I am the one who cries

Changes ahead ~ woohoo!

I haven't blogged in a while & I am upset by that. Life has been crazy (Big Surprise right?!) Anyway, some of the craziness has turned into something wonderful. 

As you know, Robert died in our house. I HATE my house!!  Everyday, I get anxious as I walk over the spot where I laid my already dead son on the floor & performed CPR on him while begging 911 to get some here NOW! I rarely sit at the table to eat anymore.  Robert sat between Princess B & I & it pains me to see he is not there.

Last week Joe & I decided to move.  Hallelujah!!!!!  We are moving in the same development into a friends house.  It is my dream house!! Fireplace, new kitchen (dishwasher, pergo floors, pot rack), screened in porch with a hot tub ~ WOOHOO!!  Plus the back yard has 3 raised gardens & an arbor {sigh}.

I know in my heart this is a wonderful & needed change in our lives.  Yes I will miss the only home Robert ever knew, but I now have a house home with new memories ~ happier memories.

Blah!

Run down & abandoned.

Lost in the dark clouds.

Tossed about in the storm.

I have a confession...

I am a liar!


Everyone tells me how strong I am.  The truth is I am a great actress. 


Everyday I have to drag myself out of bed.  I would much rather sleep the day away.  Waiting for my beloved son to appear in my dreams.


Lie ~ When I am asked "how are you doing?" I always answer "fine" or "OK" 
Truth ~ There is a huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. I continue to cry myself or medicate myself to sleep at night. When I can't deal with something I medicate to sleep &not have to deal with it.


Lie ~ I finally found meds that work. 
Truth ~ Nope!  Sure I don't cry all day long, now I am pretty numb, but they sure do make it easier for me to fake my way through the day.



Lie ~ I've accepted that I will never know why or how Robert died.  I obsess about it. 
Truth ~ I continue to have panic attacks every Sunday morning when I wake up. I dream & think about the last few moments when I know he was alive. 


Lie ~ I put on a good show.
Truth ~ My Hubby told me 2 days ago "...not to let it (my grief) ruin our life together. You still have to live!"  Guess I am not getting that Oscar this year {sigh}